


The Station

by Darling_Diver



Series: MMFD Croyde AU [1]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Cross-Posted on Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 10:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2425736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darling_Diver/pseuds/Darling_Diver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Synopsis: Rae moves to the seaside town, Croyde, where Chloe’s family has a vacation house. She’ll live there over the summer with Chloe’s family and work as an intern at a local radio station before heading off to her first year of university in the Fall in London. Upon arriving, she meets everyone in the gang and starts developing unexpected relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Station

**Chapter One** [  
](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/88433892151/the-station-chapter-one#_msocom_1)

She stood with bags piled in front of her, left hand hanging onto the handrail to stabilize herself. The bus lurched forward and her bags toppled sideways like an avalanche onto the floor, hitting the man crowding next to her. 

"Fuck…" she muttered as she leaned down to gather them. An old woman sitting on the bench next to the handrail gave her a stern look. She had her headphones on and at that moment realized her muttering was louder than she intended. She smiled and managed a "Sorry" to both the old woman and the man. Stacking her bags on top of each other and holding them still while clutching the handrail, she laid her head against the glass partition. She breathed out slowly and closed her eyes.

"What am I doing?"

Rae Earl wasn’t usually one to make rash decisions; but escaping to stay with her friend Chloe’s family for the summer, before departing for university to start her MA in Radio in the fall, originally seemed like a brilliant choice. It all fell into place just as college ended and her life in Lincolnshire felt increasingly disconnected from whom she was becoming. Her whole existence had been in Lincolnshire, but her future would never be within the town boundaries. She secured an internship at the local radio station in the seaside town of Croyde, where Chloe’s family kept their summerhouse. Convincing her mum this was a good opportunity wasn’t all that difficult.

But now, standing on this bus, the decision to join Chloe started to feel rash and out of character, even for her. Doubts had been her biggest enemy in life and she knew now was not the time to entertain them.

Rae and Chloe had been friends since childhood, growing very differently but still together. Chloe was tall, slender, and popular with a keen sense of everything others appreciated. She used all of these to her advantage, making friends quickly and staying ahead of what would make her appear more desirable, approachable and interesting. Rae stood a few inches taller and weighed a fair amount more than other girls, and was more familiar with what played in vintage record stores than what boy bands were competing in the Top 40s. None of these qualities worked to her advantage in Lincolnshire; in fact, her years there had been full of anguish and struggle as boys and girls called her names, played pranks on her and generally toyed with her mental state. No matter how hard she tried - listening to boy bands, wearing brand names, or covering herself in make-up - nothing made her fit in. Always standing just on the outside of everything expected took a toll more and more each year, especially when her attempts to fit in failed repeatedly and often publicly. If childhood hadn’t closely bonded the two friends, then surely they would have drifted apart years ago.

The bus stopped and Rae gathered her bags, preparing to transfer everything onto her last train. As she moved, a wave of exhaustion hit her. The day started with an early morning alarm so she could finish packing, followed by an almost five-hour trip on trains. Now departing the bus, she’s ending with one final train to Croyde.  _Why the fuck does Chloe’s family keep a summerhouse on the other side of the bloody country?_  She felt sticky and stale from recycled air, commuters, and sitting stationary for hours on end, but she knew the minute she got off the train she had to be ready for Chloe’s excited reception. She had to play the part of an energized and appreciative friend. Rae never would have taken on this internship if they hadn’t offered to host her, but she realized living with someone else’s family was going to be an experiment, especially since she could barely stand living with her own. 

Rae finally situated her bags on the train, so she sought refuge in the loo to compose herself. As she looked in the mirror she couldn’t help but sigh; she didn’t see much opportunity for improvement. Still, a quick comb through her hair and some water on her face would at least help shake off part of the weariness. A knock jolted the door.

A commanding voice called out, “HELLO?”

Rae took one more look in the mirror and decided things were as good as they would get.  She unlatched and opened the door to see the distressed man. He looked about her age, and his kind face was currently scrunched with urgency. “Are you done in there? I need to clean up.” Clearly he was having an eventful afternoon, his shirt was covered in coffee and some sort of powder. 

Rae tried to shrink out of the way. “Sure, sorry…”

He pushed past her and forcefully locked the door. Rae found a window seat and leaned her head back. It had been a day of pushing and pulling, she was ready to be still. Headphones slipped over her ears, she clicked play and Oasis’  _Slide Away_  pulsated through her brain as her thoughts started to drift. 

Just as she relaxed, Rae felt movement in the next seat to her right. She opened her eyes. The man from the bathroom was smiling at her, “Hi.”

Rae straightened up, took off her headphones and swallowed. “Hi.”

"I’m sorry, I was rude before. My name is Archie."

"No problem, it looks like you’re having a rough day."

"Yeah, but no excuse to be rude. My rough day isn’t your rough day. I bought a coffee and pastry for the ride home, but some kid bumped into me and well…there I was." He gestured towards the bathroom. Rae smiled.

Archie looked at her for a moment, “I didn’t catch your name.”

"Oh, I’m Rae."

The two continued chatting and before she knew it Archie had practically given her his life story and the train was arriving in Croyde. Archie’s family had a vacation home, just like Chloe’s; he had spent the afternoon securing deliveries for his annual end-of-summer party and was heading back in for the evening. Even though it was months away, Archie believed planning ahead was of primary importance when it came to these affairs. This party was a tradition his family was known for throughout Croyde, marking the end of the season. 

Archie loved talking about history, which he was studying at university, and injected interesting insights whenever Rae offered a detail about herself. He did a brilliant job of taking the focus off Rae, eagerly sharing his own stories and information. She appreciated that. She had shared just enough to feel like they connected, but she knew it had all been strategic on her part. She dropped in personal details to draw similarities between them, but didn’t go out of her way to tell him more than what was necessary. His friendliness put her at ease and she found herself invigorated with hope this sleepy little seaside town would actually offer some good laughs over the summer between busy workdays.

He patted her hand, “I’m going to give you my number, and since you’re staying for a few months we should hang out. I’ve got friends who come in every summer too and know other people who live here year round.”

She smiled, “That would be great.” The train slowed to a stop and Rae looked out the window. Chloe was leaning against a wall on the platform, wearing a brightly colored dress that clung to her curves, her hair high on her head in a ponytail, the look finished perfectly with dainty shoes and green jacket.  _Typical Chloe - effortlessly drawing attention from all the men around her_. Rae noticed men tried to be sly about it, but Chloe knew they stole glances. Rae tried not to be irritated.

She turned to face Archie. “This has been brilliant. I’ll ring you.”

They exchanged a smile as everyone stood to de-board the train. Rae walked up the aisle and gathered her bags. Unexpectedly, Archie walked up behind and reached around her, grabbing heaviest one. “I’ll help you down,  _bloody hell -_ are you moving here permanently?”

She laughed, “No, that’s my music. It’s a bit of a sickness.”

He shook his head. “I know someone like that.”

They climbed down the train steps and as Chloe saw Rae she screamed. “BABE!!!” Running towards her, almost skipping. Rae was surprised by Chloe’s reaction. She knew Chloe was looking forward to her staying over the summer, but this was next level. As Chloe saw Archie she slowed down. “ARCHIE?! Wait, do you two  _know_  each other?”

Archie looked at Rae like an old friend, “Just met on the train actually. Rae, you didn’t tell me the friend you were staying with was Chloe.”

Rae tried to work out just how well these two knew each other. “Oh, well…yeah. I’ll be living with Chloe’s family this summer while I’m here working. See, now I told you.” She scrunched her nose playfully at Archie. 

"Bloody hell! You’re working this summer? You didn’t even mention that. God, I must have talked your ear off because now I’m realizing I didn’t even know why you were moving here. No one comes to Croyde unless they have a home…or are working, I guess."

Chloe chimed in, “Do you need a ride, Arch? I’ve got one of our cars.”

He shrugged, “No thanks, Finn  _should_  be picking me up. But clearly I’m not getting as warm a reception as Rae got from you, I don’t even think he’s here yet. You met Finn last summer, right Chloe?”

"Yeah, I think he was there a few times we hung out. Quiet guy, right?"

Archie scoffed, “Yeah, that’s Finn - quiet, grumpy sod. He worked last year, so didn’t have much time to play around. He’s staying with my family this summer and working again before he starts back to uni in the fall. We’ve been best mates since childhood, so I am chuffed he’s back this year.”

Chloe was trying to play it cool. “Yeah, I remember him. Glad we saw you, we should hang out again this year - we had loads of laughs last summer!”

"Sounds good! Give us a ring and we’ll plan something. Rae, it was great meeting you - we’ll have some adventures, yeah? Se ya’s!" He gave her a wink, offered a smile to Chloe and left the station. 

Rae stared after him, dazed and not quite sure what just happened. She knew Croyde was small, but just how small was it? Chloe laced their arms together on one side and picked up one of Rae’s bags in the other, guiding her towards the exit. “Finn is FIT. I tried it on with him last summer but he wasn’t having it. Kind of exciting he’s back this year, maybe another go is in order. Archie is a blast - glad we saw him, because I’ve been meaning to ring. We  _need_  to get invited to his annual bash - it’s  _everything_! Oh, babe! I’m so glad you’re here. Things have been dead boring. I figure we’ll stop by the house and get you a shower, then head out to The Thatch so you can get a feel for the town before calling it a night. It is only  _the_ pub to be seen at in town.” Rae started to feel drunk already and muttered, “Fuck…”

Chloe looked at her, “Did you say something?”

Rae gave a forced smile, “No, nothing.” As they walked out of the station and to Chloe’s car, Rae heard the unmistakable sound of Gavin Rossdale’s voice getting louder. It was Bush’s  _Little Things_  mixed with the sound of a car speeding up and screeching around a corner to the curb of the station. She craned her head, trying to see who actually had decent music taste in this town, but Chloe was holding her arm too closely and she only caught a glimpse of Archie getting into the passenger side of the car.

"Well, that must be Finn…"

Chloe wasn’t paying attention, “What?”

Rae turned back to Chloe, “Nothing.”

———————————————  

**Chapter Two**

After a shower and change of clothes, Rae felt revived. She was brushing her hair, trying to force air into her locks so they would dry out faster. The Stone Roses drifted from the speakers on the stereo in her room. She might be tired, but she had enough energy to unpack her music. No matter what, music was survival and could get her through almost anything - even preparing for a night out with Chloe. She shook her head, trying to psych herself up for their first adventure together in Croyde. 

The moment Rae walked into what would be her bedroom she felt out of place, everything was delicate; the walls covered in rose wallpaper and the bed draped in a soft yellow duvet. When Chloe showed Rae in, she turned her face away and breathed out a “Bloody hell…” The whole house looked like something out of a magazine: tons of flowers, antique furniture with frills, wood floors and white walls. Not a single thing was out of place. Chloe had set up a tray on Rae’s bed filled with chocolates, a blank diary and a welcome card. When she read it, Rae couldn’t help but appreciate her friend.

_Rae - I’m so glad you’re here. We’re going to have an amazing summer. I know how you like to write, so I bought a little something for you to fill up with our adventures. It came from my favorite store, which of course I’ll have to show you. This summer is going to be perfect! - Love, Chloe_

Rae was thankful for Chloe’s optimism, because the feeling all this had been a bad idea lingered. Chloe gave Rae a stern warning they were to leave the house no later than nine, which gave Rae a few hours to eat and get herself in order. Chloe’s plan was to head straight to The Thatch and scope the general activity around town for the night.

Rae danced around her room as  _She Bangs the Drums_ started. Her eyes closed and she started singing along.

_I can do this._

_****_

Finn walked with a fast _,_ determined stride down the dark street, thick boots punctuating his pace, dressed in jeans, a white t-shirt and leather jacket. He didn’t fit the look of other guys in town for the summer. He never worried about fitting in though, always more focused on moving on from wherever he was. Finn left home in Stamford eager for uni in London the year before and hadn’t looked back. Returning to Croyde this summer was the result of Archie’s insistence and work opportunities, both making the decision easy. Most people lived in a permanent state of vacation during the summer in town. Finn, on the other hand, knew working and staying focused would always be the difference between getting ahead or falling behind. 

After picking Archie up at the train station, Finn dropped him at home, then headed back to work to finish his shift. His lips curled around the cigarette in his mouth, pulling in a long drag as he quickened his pace. After work, he made a detour to Archie’s family house on Sandy Way where they lived, a circular street with big houses and old money families situated halfway between Finn’s work and the main area of town. Croyde was small, so walking from one place to another never took long and Archie rarely noticed the time during summer, which meant Finn being late never bothered him. As he rounded a corner of the neighborhood, heading towards Hobb’s Hill that ran through central Croyde, music drifting from one of the big houses caught his attention because it wasn’t the normal genre for these types of families - it was loud with an aggressive guitar and after a moment he recognized it. In the window on the second floor was a dancing girl, her long black hair swinging around her head. 

He stopped momentarily, laughed and plucked the cigarette from his mouth. Smoke curled to the edge of his lips before he blew it out in a smooth exhale, “That’s different…”. He lingered for a minute as the girl’s arms went up in the air. He willed her to turn around, so he could see her face, but she didn’t. Then it hit him, he was staring at a stranger through her bedroom window.  _You’re a right creepy bastard_. Finn turned sharply and started walking again, boots thudding under the weight of his steps.

****

Rae heard Chloe banging on her door. She realized the music had been too loud to hear knocking at a normal volume. Opening the door, Chloe beamed at her, “Ready?” Rae forced herself to match Chloe’s enthusiasm level, “Yea, let’s go!”

The two strolled from the house, catching up on all the little things that had happened between the last day of college and Rae’s arrival. Chloe was, as usual, going on about boys. “Rae, we  _need_  to find someone for you to have a fling with this summer!”

Rae stared at her sideways, brows furrowed. “WHA? No.”

Chloe kept pushing, “Oh, come on! I know you’ve got your internship at the station, but you’ve always been so focused on school, music or writing you never give boys a chance. I don’t even properly know what  _TYPE_  of boy you fancy. I mean, you never talk about it with me.”

Rae’s shoulders dropped forward and she tried to make herself smaller, “Oh God, ok…here we go. Chloe, you know me having a  _type_  never matters. Boys are never interested in me anyway. I mean, they may  _never_  be interested in me.” Chloe sighed and straightened her back so she grew taller. 

The two girls walked out onto Hobb’s Hill from Sandy Way and took a left towards The Thatch pub, which was in the middle of central Croyde. They fell silent and it was the first time Rae got to get a look at things. The town was much smaller than Lincolnshire and from what she could tell it was restful, probably the kind of place where children played in the streets anytime of the day, writers came to finish their novels and rich people entertained themselves without a care for what was happening in the outside world. A wave of panic hit her,  _Oh GOD…what kind of music do they listen to here? What if the station is all easy listening shit?_

The Thatch was a two-story, white B&B with an attached single floor pub. A small patio area was on the side by Hobb’s Hill and Rae could see an overflow of people in the area. As they walked into the pub, Rae could tell things in Croyde were not entirely as they she had assumed on the walk there. Ocean Colour Scene blared from the jukebox and the pub brimmed with people. Rae saw Chloe making a direct line for an intimate table towards the back, raising her arm and and screaming, “HIYA!!”

_Here we go_. She trailed after her, pushing past people and trying to psych herself up to fit into whatever type of group Chloe was hanging around with this summer. She perked up when she noticed Archie seated on one side of the group. Without preamble, Chloe chirped, “Hi! I haven’t seen you guys in AGES! This is Rae. She just got in today and she’s spending the summer living with me.”

Rae was already irritated by the details Chloe offered.  _These people don’t need my bloody life story, they probably don’t even care_. She forced herself to smile and nod. Including Archie, there were only three people there but everyone offered an enthusiastic “Hiya, Rae!”. Chloe and Rae scooted around to two open chairs next to each other at the back corner of the table facing out to the room and sat down to a chorus of introductions. 

Sitting directly next to Rae was Izzy, who offered the biggest smile she had ever seen. Izzy’s entire body bounced when she turned to Rae and gave her a hug. Petite and ginger, she oozed sweetness and radiated a jovial spirit. “HI! So, fiirst night in Croyde?” At the end of the question Izzy raised her shoulders with excitement. 

Rae couldn’t help but lift her shoulders and smile back, “Yeah, got in late this afternoon and trying to stay awake.” 

Izzy laughed and put a hand on Rae’s shoulder, “Don’t worry, we’ll help with that! Chop and I are from here, so we know all kinds of ways to entertain guests and Chop always has stories!”

Chop was next to Izzy on the other side and even though he was sitting, Rae appraised him as being tall and muscular. He beamed with a wide smile, which revealed a big gap between his two front teeth she found endearing. “We can help you get into all kinds of trouble this summer, right Iz?” He nudged Izzy and gave her a wink. There was an empty seat next to Chop and Archie sat on the other side of that. He was just as charming and engaging as he’d been on the train. Archie was the kind of bloke who could befriend anyone, just like Chloe. Chloe took the seat next to Archie with Rae taking the last spot between Chloe and Izzy. 

She sat for a few minutes, quietly listening to the others’ conversations. Rae stood and worked her way around the table again. “I’m gonna grab drinks - what do you want?” 

She walked up to the bar with an order of pints for her, Chloe and Izzy. As she carried glasses back to the table, the gang greeted her with cheers. Being a drink-bearer would make Rae popular - that was definitely something she could do. She slid around the table again to her seat. Chloe leaned over and murmured, “Don’t think I’m going to let our conversation from earlier go. You haven’t told me your type yet.” 

Rae sighed.  _Fine, I’ll play this game if it will make her bloody shut up_.

Rae surveyed the room. It didn’t take her long to spot an exemplary choice. She discreetly nodded toward a lad standing at the bar. He was leaning forward slightly with his hips pushed back, both feet firmly planted on the floor and his arms resting on the mahogany bar. He was only partially facing them, but she could tell he was fit. He had a leather jacket on, boots, fringe down his forehead and a painfully defined jawline. “There, he’s my type. I’d want to bit into his ass like a violent dog.”  _That should shut Chloe up_.

As if he could hear them, Archie leaned over and interjected, “What are you girls talking about?”

Chloe choked on her lager. “Nothing.”

“Yeah? Why ya nodding at Finn?”

_F.U.C.K._

Rae’s eyes widened as her mouth fell open just enough to pull in a breath even as her chest constricted. She almost smacked Chloe, who wouldn’t stop laughing. The jukebox fell silent; a few clicks as it switched records, and “Mr. Boombastic” blared out of the small, overworked speakers. Finn turned from the bar and walked towards their table.  

_This has to be a FUCKING joke_. Rae’s cheeks were on fire as she pounded her pint. She closed her eyes and counted.  _1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10._ Her eyes opened.

Finn sat between Archie and Chop. He glanced in her direction and their gazes met. She instantly yanked her attention away, down to the empty glass on the table. “I need another pint.” She got up and headed back to bar.

_Bloody FUCKING HELL._

****

Finn passed The Thatch and headed towards the chippy for a quick bite before meeting the gang. He caught himself wondering about the girl dancing in that room.  _Creepy bastard…_

As he passed through the door back onto the street with food in his hands, he saw two girls walking towards the pub and recognized the black hair. He thought he remembered the girl walking with her.  _Chloe, maybe?_ They met once or twice last summer and she was a proper flirt, but ultimately uninteresting. She reminded him of someone who was trying to be what she thought guys wanted. But if the music he had heard coming from the black-haired girl’s room was any indication, at least she had a friend with decent taste in something. He ate and slowly walked towards The Thatch, licking the last traces of salt from his fingertips before he reached down to open the door to the pub.

The room was teeming with a mix of regulars and summer vacationers. Finn could always tell the difference by clothing and conversations. People who lived here year round, like Izzy and Chop, were normally situated in quieter corners, not noticing other people coming in and out and looking at people like an old friends even when they weren’t. He enjoyed the locals who went about their normal lives the most because that’s exactly what he tried to do when he was here. The vacationers were easy to spot because they dressed like he thought people owned boats would, were obnoxiously loud and crowded the front of the pub. This is one of the few places in town he and Archie agreed on spending their nights. As he navigated the crowd all the way to the bar, he noticed Chloe and her friend sitting with Archie, Chop and Izzy. He had a brief exchange with the bartender and wrapped a hand around the pint placed in front of him. The jukebox clicked and a new song started. He really didn’t notice which one, because he was trying to act casual as he pushed past people towards the empty seat between Chop and Archie.

****

Rae kept trying to focus on anything other than Finn. She never realized how long “Mr. Boombastic” was before, it felt like it was thumping along forever. She couldn’t look Finn in the eyes while Shaggy was moaning. Rae was positive what she said about him was written all over her face.

_Fuck this…_

Rae stood up and made her way over to the jukebox. Staring at the musical selection, she hunched forward and shook her head.  _Pull yourself together, otherwise go to the loo and punch yourself in the tit because you’re being ridiculous._  Finally, she spied the only song choice that could turn her confidence around. She tipped a coin into the machine, heard the clink and promptly pressed the only two buttons she could have faith in at that moment. Spinning on her heels towards the table, she felt a surge of confidence as the unmistakable opening to Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage” came out of the speakers behind her. 

When she got back to the table everyone was cheering, except for Finn. He sat with his eyebrows raised, surveying her like she was an unknown species. Apparently fetching pints wasn’t the only thing that would make her popular around here. Archie leaned forward to punch Finn on the arm. “This is Finn.”

Finn had tuned his head down and pulled his whole body forward to roll a cigarette. His focus made him look like a child working on a school project. When Archie hit his arm, Finn looked up with his eyebrows pulled down and a questioning look on his face. Rae tried for a casual, “Hiya.”

Finn narrowed his eyes and nodded at her. He then went back to rolling his cigarette. The rest of the night passed quickly, but not quietly. Izzy, Chop, Archie, Finn, Chloe and Rae were some of the last people at the pub. They spent the evening laughing and sharing stories. More than once one of them choked on their drink while trying to top each other with the most ridiculous stories they could think to share. Finn glanced at his watch and shook his head. “Shit, I have to be up and at work early tomorrow. I gotta go.” 

Finn and Archie paid their tabs, leaving ahead of everyone else. Rae’s eyes touched Finn’s before he left, they lingered. Chloe noticed and nudged Rae.  _Fucking Chloe._ Everyone was parting with promises of meeting up again.

Izzy, Chop, Chloe and Rae trailed behind talking about things to do in town. All of them being together tonight felt right, like they were all pieces in a puzzle Rae never knew existed, but it had been there all of her life. It didn’t make sense to her, because less than twenty-four hours ago she hadn’t known any of them, except for Chloe, and she was fretting over her choice to move for the summer. And yet, here she was laughing and chatting with a group of people she felt like she’d known as long as Chloe. 

As they said goodbye to Izzy and Chop, Chloe linked her arm with Rae’s as they strolled back down Hobb’s Hill towards Sandy Way. Rae could tell Chloe wanted to dissect everything that happened at the pub, but Rae wouldn’t initiate it. She spent so much time doing that same thing in her own head when she was alone, she didn’t need Chloe to augment her neuroses. As they slowly strolled in silence, Rae was aware of how peaceful everything was in Croyde. The whole place was a secret world that existed only for Rae’s summer, where nothing bad could happen. 

Back at the house everything was dark. “Chloe, where are your parents? We haven’t seen them today.” 

Chloe hesitated. “Well, they decided to go off to Italy for a month. I didn’t want it to change your plans, so I decided to come up without them.”

Rae was surprised, angling her body towards Chloe. “They decided before the end of college?”

“Yea…but your mum doesn’t have to know. We’ll be responsible and my parents don’t care.” Chloe sounded defensive. Rae understood why she had acted so excited to see her at the train station that afternoon, Chloe really was alone.

Rae gave her a cheeky smile. “So, just us and no parents?”

Chloe’s normal beam returned, “YUP!”

“Well, I’m sure we can manage that.”

They went inside and made their way upstairs. When Rae had said good night to Chloe and closed her door she flicked on the stereo and popped open the lid. A new CD in place, the hum of the spinning disc audible, she laid back on her bed and put her arm over her face. The exhaustion was finally overwhelming, and pints hadn’t helped. It was past midnight. This time yesterday she was just about to wake up.  _That was a lifetime ago_. The Smiths started playing.  _This time yesterday I was waking up. Right now I’m waking up all over again, but properly this time._  She fell asleep in her clothes, an arm still draped across her face.

———————————————  

**Chapter Three**

When Rae woke she was staring at the rose wallpaper. Her right arm was numb and whole body sore.  _Bloody hell_. She pushed her feet into the bed and lifted her hips, shifting to stare at the ceiling. Sun streamed through the window and birds chirped, like she was in the opening scenes of a fucking Disney movie. Groaning, she sat up and if she hadn’t felt so miserable, she would have taken all the general cheeriness as encouragement. As things were, she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She knew this was a combination of exhaustion, hours on trains and beer.  _Never again_. She smelled smoke in her hair from the pub and looking down saw she still had on her outfit from the night before. 

She staggered to the bathroom, soaking in a hot shower and cleaning off remnants of travel and alcohol. Afterward, she stared at her reflection, examining her features. Her brain was finally awake, and the realization today was her first day at the radio station hit like a freight train. 

_FUCK. What time is it even?_

She sprinted back to her room to find a clock. She hadn’t thought to set the alarm last night. Eight-thirty in the morning.  _Thank GOD. How is that even possible? It feels like noon_. She got dressed in her standard choice of band tee, leggings with a short skirt paired with red Converse, and headed downstairs. Chloe was in the kitchen rattling pans. “Hiya Rae! Sleep well?”

“Yeah, I had a panic because today is my orientation at the radio station. But, it’s still early enough, so I have plenty of time.”

Chloe was puzzled. “It’s not early Rae, it’s eleven.”

“WHAT? Are you shitting me? I was supposed to be there at TEN. Why does the fucking clock in my room say eight-thirty?” Rae demanded.

Chloe shrugged. “I don’t know, no one has stayed in that room since last summer.” 

Rae shrugged, “Fuck, ok…do you know which way the station is? I have to get there NOW.” 

Chloe stammered, “Um, out the front door and turn right. Go to Hobb’s Hill, but turn right instead of left so you’re heading away from The Thatch, and it’ll be on Croyde Road, down by the cliffs. It’s on the right side of the road - easy to spot ‘cause it will have the red sign that says ‘Heart’. Sorry, if I’d known I would have woken you up.”

“Not your fault, mine. I know better than to not be on top of everything.” Rae hustled towards the front door, grabbing her bag on the way out. Chloe poked her head out of the kitchen after her. 

“Heyya, you need a key!” She threw a ring at her. 

“THANKS!” Rae caught it and darted out the door, running down the road.  _Brilliant, my first day and they’re going to think they’ve made the biggest mistake hiring me as their intern. FUCK._

When Rae finally found the building it turned out to be about a five minute run from Chloe’s house. So in her normal stride, ten-to-fifteen minutes. She stopped to catch her breath. Rae specialized in running only when chased, not as a regular means of getting from one place to another. She was painfully reminded of it in this moment - her lungs were screaming, legs were weak and back hurt from not wearing a supportive-enough bra for the sprint. Looking at the building, it was grey with two large windows on either side of the front door. Shifting her weight to the left, she looked through one of the windows and could tell almost the entire back wall of the building was glass and overlooked the ocean. Chloe had been right - a large, red sign was above the door with “Heart 96.2” written on it in white lettering and the “a” was in the shape of a sideways heart. She smoothed her clothing, stepped forward and opened the door to the station. 

_Here we go._

****

_Bloody interns._  Finn sat at his desk in the radio office, arms crossed as he sullenly stared through the back windows over the cliffs at the water. The thought was ironic, considering he was a second-year intern, but he returned after his first year at uni to continue building field experience for his resume. He set himself on having a foot in the door of a noteworthy station by the time he graduated. 

_Bloody FIRST year interns_. Whoever they were, they had officially started their stint at Heart wasting his time. He was in the office by nine, to get everything ready for their orientation at ten. All the formality of it annoyed him, but he knew leading it was a mark of Kester’s faith in him. 

As if Finn’s thoughts had summoned him, Kester himself walked past and nodded, “Any sign yet?”

Finn offered a tight smile and shook his head. “Not yet, Kester.”

“Let me know when they get here. I’ll sit them down for a proper chat about expectations.”

“Sure, I was already rearranging the orientation itinerary to include an extra discussion on schedules and tardiness.”

****

As she entered the building, Rae worked to slow down her breathing and calm her nerves. She went to the reception desk, where a middle-aged woman was sitting, looking at a newspaper. As Rae approached, she looked up expectantly, “Welcome to Heart Radio.”

“Hi, I’m Rae Earl and here to start as the summer intern. I’m late, my alarm didn’t go off-“

The lady held up a finger to cut her off. Rae furrowed her brows and scrunched her nose. The receptionist turned around and yelled across the office, “FINN! Your intern’s here!”

Rae’s heart stopped for a second, her eyes widened and she looked at the woman. “I’m sorry, who did you say?” Before the receptionist could answer a familiar face appeared next to her.

Finn stared Rae down. “So, YOU’RE the intern?”

Rae was speechless, which was rare for her.  _FUCK_.  _Talk you twat._ “Um, yeah. Sorry I’m late - I traveled all day yesterday, then we were out late, my alarm didn’t go off…”, she trailed off because he kept staring at her with an intense focus.  _FUCK_. 

“Yeah, so none of that’s my problem. I’ve been here since nine getting ready for you, you should have just ended with the apology. A lot of things happened to me yesterday too, but I was still here on time.”

It took her a moment to recover from the whiplash. Last night he hadn’t come across as the friendliest guy, but he also didn’t seem like a complete dick. Right now though,  _COMPLETE DICK_. She nodded, flattening her lips against each other. It was going to be a long day, and it was already half over. 

“Welcome to Heart. Follow me.” He motioned for her to trail behind him. 

****

Finn flinched as the well-meaning receptionist, Barbara, bellowed across the room.  _Fucking hell. Professionalism is a lost art here_. He stood up, turning around to face the front of the office, and  _she_  was standing there.  _Brilliant_. 

Last night he appraised her as dead cool, with a quick wit and wicked taste in music, nothing like Chloe or the girls he’d met who vacationed in Croyde over the summer. It never came up why she was staying with Chloe nor did it occur to him she might be here to work. The evening had been all joking around and telling nonsense stories. Lying in bed later, he tried to sort through the details he did manage to pick up about her like the pieces of a puzzle. At least one detail was making sense now - she was like him, staying with her well-off friend and working. 

He had a momentary advantage over her figuring out they would work together for the next few months and composing himself.  _Good_. Finn walked over to the front desk, confident the moment she saw him it would throw her off balance. He was right. The look on her face as soon as Barbara said his name gave her away.   _I spent last night thinking about her, now it’s her turn to think about me._

After their short, official introduction, Finn took her to the station conference room. Once inside, they sat down and he pulled out a stack of orientation material, tossing it onto the table. “May, we have a lot to get through and little time because it’s going to be a busy day and you were late. Can you keep up?”

“It’s Rae.”

“As in Raymond?” he countered.

“No, as in  _Rachel_.”

He knew this was annoying her, she was obviously a spitfire. He could appreciate that, but he needed to know she was driven and could focus. Finn didn’t have time to babysit a girl during her internship just because she had good taste in music.  

“Whatever, look - are you here to work or for a summer joy ride with your friend, Chloe?”

Rae’s eyes narrowed. “I’m here to work. I don’t ‘joy ride’.” She spat out the last two words as if they were sour grapes.

“Good, let’s get started then.” He flipped open the binder.

****

The top of the binder hit the table hard when Finn flipped it open and Rae bit back a laugh. He was being dramatic. When he called her “May”, her inner resolve to succeed bolstered.  _I will prove whatever he thinks of me right now wrong._  Her usual response to this sort of situation in Lincolnshire would have been embarrassment and withdrawal, but now she wouldn’t allow all that history in the door. In this moment, she could either succeed or crumble.

_I am strong._ She started using the phrase as a mantra during college and often returned to it in moments of doubt. For the first time, her years of therapy, all the time she’d spent learning new self-beliefs, was paying off. She didn’t magically feel different, but she sensed an awakening. 

Rae forced her attention back to Finn. An hour passed with them slowly working through paperwork - employment forms, conduct handbook, station rules, and a general list of her responsibilities for the summer. As he talked, Rae watched Finn. He had softened and seemed like the same guy she met last night, but she could barely read his personality. From what she knew of him between last night to now, she assumed he was exactly as Archie said - a grumpy sod. Little things intrigued her though - why was he working here? How had he and Archie become friends? How had they  _stayed_  friends? They seemed so different. Clearly he had good taste in music, he’s obviously fit and has to know it. Girls must fall all over him. 

Rae kept staring at the side of his face when she should have been looking at the papers in front of her.  _His jawline and lips are to die for._ Finn caught her and snapped, “Stop staring at me, it freaks me out.” 

She quickly looked away and shook her head.  _Don’t be weird._  “I’m not staring at you.” 

When the two were done, Finn lead Rae to Kester’s office and made introductions, “Heyya Kester, this is our tardy intern Rae. You wanted to take her to lunch, yeah?”

Kester had a kind, but stern face. He dressed like a disheveled college professor and was almost completely bald. “Yeah, figure we’ll walk up to the chippy for a quick bite and get acquainted. Sound good, Rae?”

Rae smiled, thankful she wouldn’t be stuck with Finn all day. “Sounds grand.”

Kester and Rae left Heart and made their way towards the chippy on Hobb’s Hill. 

****

Finn watched Kester and Rae leave with a sign of relief.

_God. I need a smoke and a brew._

He headed to the break room. This close to lunch, a few of the other employees were there, eating and catching up. Finn valued being in a quiet place where people were kind and enjoyed life over the summer. Kester had become a trusted counselor to Finn, helping him think through what could come next in his life. Everything about Heart made him calm. 

Finn came up next to one of the DJs and hit him on the shoulder, motioning to the table tennis paddles nearby. “Fancy a game, Danny?”

Danny laughed, “Always!” The two started up a game on the table nearby, picking up the paddles and squaring off against each other. 

Finn’s attention kept shifting to the moments he caught Rae staring at him in the conference room. He knew he had been a dick and was conflicted.  _Why do I care?_  The ball bounced across the table with a sharp click, and Danny hit it back to Finn. He slammed the ball back to Danny, who laughed. “A little angry?”

Finn mocked a smile at Danny, hitting the ball as hard as he could on the return serve. 

****

Rae and Kester sat in the chippy, eating and talking business. Kester was diplomatic, reassuring Rae Heart was glad for her to be there, but she had joined a team focused on working hard over the summer. She nodded and listened. The longer Kester talked, Rae became certain one of her assumptions about Finn had been wrong. “Kester, who’s my boss?” She assumed it  _was_  Finn based on the way he acted that morning.

Kester smiled. “Me.”

_DICK! He acted like my boss, but he’s not anyone’s boss._

“Oh, that’s good to know. This morning, I thought it was Finn. I’m really sorry about being late, I promise it won’t happen again.” She decided to take Finn’s advice from earlier and stopped with just the apology. 

“No problem, just be dependable - that’s what I really ask. You’ll work a lot with Finn, he was a first year intern last summer and we talked him into coming back this year after getting a year of uni studies under his belt. We’re lucky to have him, but he’s still learning too. Hopefully you two can help each other.” Kester put a chip in his mouth and gave a reassuring nod to Rae. 

_He’s here doing the same thing I am, cheeky bastard!_

Not long after, Rae and Kester strolled back to Heart. The details Kester shared with her about Finn gave Rae some context about why he’d come back to Croyde. Finn was ahead figuring details about her out this morning, but she was a quick study and would catch up sorting out as many details as she could about him. As they entered through reception towards the radio offices, Kester pointed to the break room. “By the sound of things there’s a solid match of table tennis on back there. Better grab something to drink and tell Finn it’s time to get back to work. He’ll get you started on cataloguing music.”   

Rae gave a tight smile. “Perfect.” She took a moment to look at the full layout of Heart.  Past the reception area, the building was set-up as an open office floor plan, with desks arranged facing each other in rows. To the left, at the front of the building, was the conference room where Rae and Finn spent the morning. A small hallway separated the conference room from a large production booth taking up the back left corner of the building. It had a large glass front with a view out into the office area. On the right side were several offices, including Kester’s in the middle. At the back right corner was the break room where a repetitive thwacking noise kept radiating off the walls. As she arrived at the break room doorway, Finn came into view and she stared at him intently. Interrupting the ball knocking back and forth, she casually offered, “So it’s a ‘busy day’, huh? This looks like  _really_  important work.”

Finn stopped, surprised, and Danny took the opportunity to end the game, beating Finn by a final point. He threw his arms in the air. “YES! You are too distracted today!”

Rae couldn’t hear Finn, but was sure he was muttering curses. Keeping her eyes on him, she tilted her head to the right. “So, do people  _work_  around here or just play?”

Finn huffed and pushed past her, “Follow me.” The afternoon passed and Rae got a rhythm for how things worked around Heart - cataloguing music, prepping scripts, transferring callers, supporting production staff. The frost between her and Finn was tolerable and started to thaw a bit. He was still a dick, but at least he was a fit dick and she was gaining work experience. 

At the end of her first day, Rae stood in front of the building in a daze. Everything started off fast and out of control, but she shocked herself by managing all of it. Part of her wanted to jump up and down with excitement and pride, while another part wanted to sit down and cry with relief and pent-up fear. She settled for taking a deep breath and being thankful it was over. 

Finn walked out of the building behind her. She heard the door open and turned to see him standing there, looking conflicted. His stride hesitated, then his left boot struck the ground and he sauntered towards her. He offered a lop-sided smile. “Good job. Thanks for all your work today.” 

Rae furrowed her brow, waiting for him to add something negative. “Thanks.”

“Sure. We’ll see each other at the pub laters probably. It’s such a bloody small town, you’ll see everyone everywhere.” 

“Yeah, I’d like to catch up with Archie and the gang. Last night was a good laugh, hopefully there will be more of those over the summer.” A part of Rae wanted to tell Finn to  _FUCK OFF_ , but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.  _You fit dickhead_. 

Finn turned a cigarette tin over in his hand. “Yeah…laters.” He abruptly turned and started up Croyde Road. Rae stood, ready to get back to Chloe’s, but now it would look like she was stalking him. There was no way she was going to try and catch-up to him either.  _I won’t give him the satisfaction of thinking I’m probably one of countless love-struck girls_.  _Bloody hell._ Rae turned and walked toward the cliff behind Heart, finding a peaceful spot and sitting. She pulled the journal from Chloe and a pen out of her bag, writing for the first time in months. 

****

Finn strode up the hill on Croyde Road toward Archie’s house on Sandy Way, steadily increasing his pace. He was convinced Rae was still standing in front of Heart staring at him. He gambled a glance over his shoulder and saw her walking towards the cliff behind the station building. He was sure she wouldn’t see him, so he turned around and started walking backwards so he could briefly study her. She sat and pulled a book out of her bag. As she opened it and started writing, he turned back around and jogged the rest of the way home. 

When he got to the garden in front of Archie’s house, his friend was reading with his feet propped up on a table. Finn ambled over to him. Peering over Ray-Ban shades perched on the bridge of his nose, Archie asked, “So, how was work today?”

“Did you know that girl, Rae, was going to be the new intern at Heart?” Finn tried to sound nonchalant. 

“No way! She never mentioned it. That should make it a bit more lively around there for you this summer. At least you won’t be the only one at Heart with better music taste than crap Top 40.” Archie shot Finn a smug grin. 

“Yeah, something like that.” Finn grabbed the book in Archie’s hand, examining the the spine. “Infinite Jest.” He let out a deep huff,  handing the book back to Archie. “You should read things that aren’t so serious in the summer, Arch. Good to give your brain a rest.” 

Archie grabbed the book from Finn’s hand. “Like you would know anything about giving your brain a rest! Look who’s working all summer after taking full course loads during both terms. Hypocrite.” 

“Right,” Finn laughed. “We heading to the pub tonight?”

Archie’s grin beamed. “Course! Dinner will be on soon and then we can meet up with the gang. Are Chloe and Rae meeting us?”

Finn shrugged, “Suppose.” He turned toward the house and pulled his bag off. He took the stairs two at a time and in his room clicked the stereo on. A CD spun as he flopped down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Pulling a cigarette out of the case that had stayed in his hand since leaving the station, Finn put it in his mouth, lit the end and inhaled as The Smiths started playing. A calming sensation started at the back of his tongue and worked into his lungs. A slow exhale released all the tension in his back as smoke escaped between his teeth.

———————————————  

**Chapter Four**

Rae’s first month in Croyde went by faster than she expected. It seemed like no time passed since meeting the gang at the pub after her first day at Heart. She spent her days at the station and nights with the gang, which solidified during those first few weeks as Archie, Finn, Izzy, Chop, Chloe and Rae. The group of six spent countless nights doubled-over laughing at each other’s stories and listening to music at The Thatch. The odd weeknight was spent at Croyde’s Deckchair Cinema in town hall, until Chop managed to get everyone banned for the summer after throwing popcorn repeatedly at Archie and starting a food fight. _There are actually cool people in Croyde. Having a proper group of mates is better than anything I expected._  

Rae’s relationship with Finn simmered over those weeks into a routine. At Heart they stayed mostly serious, occasionally joking, while keeping busy with Kester’s long list of intern responsibilities. Whenever they were with the gang, Finn stayed a bit remote but warmed up to her over the weeks. Rae noticed he always focused on spending time with the lads over Izzy, Chloe or her. While he wasn’t thoughtful like Archie or jovial like Chop, they slowly became friends.   

On weekends, Archie or Chop always organized an event or outing for everyone. One Saturday in July, Chop talked everyone into a surf lesson at Putsborough Beach, called “Puts” by the locals. It was the first time that summer all the years of teasing and ostracism in Lincolnshire began planting doubts in Rae’s head. She stood on the shore, staring at the swells, envisioning the beginning of a horror film as she anticipated everyone’s laughter at the sight of her wearing the wetsuit she was currently holding in her hand. She couldn’t bring herself to change, she couldn’t wear this thing, especially in front of the lads - the embarrassment of it was too much to bear and almost sent her into a panic attack. She stood paralyzed, as the gang ran after each other on the beach playfully, the lads tackling each other and the girls chasing after them. Everyone was laughing, except for Rae. Chloe broke from the gang and went to stand directly in front of her. “Something wrong?”

Rae focused on Chloe. “Surfing is a bad idea for me, Chloe. I’m already close enough to being a beached whale as it is.”

“Rae, come on. You’re not going to make friends if you’re sitting on the sidelines all the time.”

Rae furrowed her brows. “Are people talking about that?”

“Might be. Come on, you don’t want people to think you’re weird, do you?” Chloe waited a beat. “You don’t want people thinking you’re not normal. Just come on.”

Archie jogged over and joined the two of them. “So, what are you girls talking about?”

Chloe turned to Archie, rolling her eyes. “Rae isn’t sure she wants to try surfing.”

“Come on, Rae! It’ll be fun. When are you going to get a chance to do this again? People travel here just to surf at Puts! We’ll go in together, yeah?”

Rae stayed silent and shifted her gaze back to the water, considering her options.  _FUCK_. Sitting alone on the beach didn’t seem like a better choice, everyone would notice that too. Finn kept glancing over at them and it made Rae more self-conscious.  _Fucking HELL._  “Ok, fine. We’ll all go in together.”  _You are strong._  Rae clenched the wetsuit in her hand, turned and marched towards the changing tent.

An afternoon of surfing turned into exercises of falling into the freezing water. The lads were, of course able to get and stay up, but this wasn’t their first time on boards. As everyone prepared to paddle out, Archie mentioned the three of them surfed together last summer. _Asses, of course you and Chop picked something you’re both good at._ The girls spend most of the afternoon laughing while getting salt water up their noses. After a handful of failed — and two successful — attempts to stand-up on her board while riding a wave, Rae decided to retreat to the beach. She sat in the sand, her legs shaky and arms sore. As she watched the gang pop up and fall off their boards, she couldn’t hold back laughing.  _I never want this summer to end._

After a few hours, with everyone exhausted, the gang agreed to clean up and reconvene at The Thatch. Once there, they settled in and started watching the pub crowd while re-counting their day at Puts. After an hour and two rounds, the lads were at the bar buying another pint for everyone. The girls took the opportunity to giggle over how fit they looked in their wetsuits. A day in the water and a few beers made Rae feel more drunk than usual. _Fuck, I’m knackered._

Izzy leaned forward towards Chloe and Rae. “I  _love_  seeing Chop in a wetsuit. God, he is the living end.”

Rae turned her mouth down and pulled her head back in mock disgust. “Ew, Iz. We don’t need to know that.” 

Chloe eagerly offered, “Talk about a living end, Finn looked stunning in a wetsuit. I mean, Archie’s not bad either.” She bit her bottom lip and tilted her head to the left, motioning to Finn at the bar. Rae and Izzy’s glances followed. Rae dropped her head back and to the left so she had a better view of the lads, especially Finn. Chloe kept on. “Rae, you’re quiet.” 

“Just tired, Chloe.”  _He is delicious_. 

Rae kept her gaze on Finn as an older regular approached the lads and said something directly to Finn. She could hear Chloe and Izzy talking to each other, no longer paying attention. Nothing seemed out of sorts initially, but after a minute Finn pulled back his fist and punched the man squarely in the jaw, sending him backwards.

_FINN._

She instantly made her way to him. Archie and Chop turned from the bar and were already holding Finn’s shoulders. The punch pushed the man into other customers and he was struggling to stand back up.  _Fuck_. Izzy and Chloe turned to see why Rae had left and quickly took in the scene, following her. 

“What’s going on?” Rae asked anyone who would answer. 

Finn was livid, shouting at the man and motioning to Rae. “Apologize to  _her_  now!”

_What’s this got to do with me?_

Rae took hold of the situation, with Chop and Archie already inline with her thinking. “Ok, we’re leaving! Come on you.” She yanked Finn’s jacket as he advanced on the man, still trying to compose himself. The rest of the gang followed Rae and Finn towards the exit. She didn’t know if anyone from the bar was following them, but Rae didn’t care. Whatever the man said triggered Finn to protect her.  _Why?_  The gang stepped outside into the cool night air, which slapped Rae in the face. Shouting came from the pub behind them, “HEY! COME BACK HERE!!!!”

Rae turned to the gang. Archie and Chop exchanged panicked glances with her. They screamed in unison, “RUN!” Everyone bolted. 

Rae ran along Hobb’s Hill towards the cliffs, turning into the backness of a side street towards houses. She miscalculated and wasn’t nearly close enough to Sandy Way.  _Damnit! What street is this?_  Everyone started off in the same direction, but quickly split up as more yelling came from The Thatch. Now she was on her own. She ran as fast as her legs would go. Her lungs started to burn and she heard footsteps behind her, coming fast.  _SHIT. Being chased…run faster._  She tried to speed up, but whoever was behind her was gaining ground. 

Finn called, “Slow DOWN!”

Rae stopped and bent over gasping, hands on her knees. He caught up, stopping next to her. “Shit, you’re fast. You said ‘RUN’ and were just  _gone_. It took me a minute to figure out which way you went.”

She stood, trying to see his face, but there were no streetlights and all she could make out was his outline in the moonlight.  _Fuck your jawline_. She kept trying to slow her breathing down. Rae struggled to get full sentences out between breaths. “You didn’t have to follow me. Why didn’t you go with Arch?”

“I don’t know, call me crazy, but when I see a girl run down a pitch black street something in me says I need to make sure she’s safe.”

“Ah, well, I’m safe.” Rae turned and walked back toward the lights on Hobb’s Hill, then stopped and sharply turned to Finn. “What the fuck happened back there? Is punching people a thing you  _do_?”

“No, I think that’s the first time I’ve hit someone since boxing at school.” She sensed discomfort in his tone.

“So, you just decided to beat up an old man tonight?” She turned, walking again before he could answer, unable to think up a single scenario meriting what happened.  _I had half a fucking pint left on the table._

“He offered me money for you,” Finn said sheepishly from behind her.

Rae abruptly stopped again and faced him. “Say what?”

Finn stopped and sat down on the ground, pulling his cigarette case out. He curved his shoulders forward and put one in his mouth, lighting the end. He inhaled smoothly and let out a nervous laugh, smoke coming out in little clouds. Rae moved to stand in front of him.

“He walked up to me and said, ‘Mate – how’s about a fiver for your girl?’ and he motioned to you. I asked him to repeat what he said, ‘cause I knew there was no way I heard right. When I told him to ‘fuck off’ he started calling you names. He was being a twathead, so I hit him.” Finn took another drag and she could swear he was staring at her through the darkness. 

Rae stared back, trying to focus her eyes on him. She could still only see his outline, but a direct connection ran between them, sending shivers down the back of her entire body. “I want to say thanks…but it feels weird. I’ve never had a guy hit someone for me before.” She paused. “Who the fuck asks that type of question? I mean, is that  _normal_  around here?”

Finn stood up, so they were about a foot apart and almost face-to-face. “I mean, I’ve never hit anyone for that before…so it’s not something I’ve heard anyone ask. Like I said, twathead.” 

There was silence between them and Rae heard water rolling in the distance. She soaked the moment in, wanting to hold onto whatever was happening. It was the first time someone had stood up for her and the first time she didn’t feel completely alone. She hadn’t even been there for it. She was across the pub with the girls and without her knowing he had defended her.  _Why would he defend me?_

Finn finally offered, “Come on then, better get you home.” 

He turned away from Hobb’s Hill, thudding his boots into the road heading further away from the street lights on the main road and into the darkness. Rae followed, keeping in step with him and they walked together. 

****

Finn and Rae stuck to back streets and cut across fields to get home. The mix of exhaustion, beer and darkness caused them to stumble at different intervals and grab for each other while laughing and apologizing. This was the first time they were alone together outside of work. Finn was comfortable and peaceful with her now. 

Things lulled into an easy, cheeky banter with Rae since that first morning at Heart. They struck an unspoken truce, but he kept a calculated distance whenever they weren’t at the radio offices. When the gang was together, Finn busied himself with the lads, but couldn’t keep from tracking her in his peripheral vision. She was smart, but she tried to hide just how smart she was. He had been right about her humor and killer taste in music, too. He wanted to talk to her more, but couldn’t bring himself to cross the professional divide he’d created between them. When she told everyone to run, he knew he could have gone home with Archie. Something about her red Converse disappearing into the dark neighborhood beckoned him to follow her. 

As they kept laughing, Finn wanted the walk to last longer. Their feet hit pavement again and Chloe’s house came into view. Finn had a total lapse in judgement and pointed to Rae’s bedroom window. “You know. your first night in town I saw you dancing up there.”  _Why the fuck did you just say that?_

Rae turned towards him. “You what, you cheeky bastard?”

“Hey! I couldn’t help it! Your music was loud and you were dancing with your window open. I was walking down to meet Arch at the pub and heard it blaring. You should really be more careful.” He slowed his pace as they neared the front door.

“Noted. I don’t want guys thinking I’m worth a fiver. I’m worth fifteen  _at least_.” She laughed and tripped again, grabbing Finn’s hand. He tightened his grip around her palm. 

Pulling her up, Finn offered, “Yeah, I’m betting you’re worth a lot more than that.” They were facing each other again, closer than on the street before. The heat of her breath was close to his lips. “Want to get out of town tomorrow afternoon? The rest of the gang does all kinds of stuff while we’re working. We should go have an adventure of our own since we’re actually the ones who deserve a vacation around here.” 

Rae stuttered, “S-sure. That would be good. I haven’t gotten out of this town without the gang since stepping off the train.” 

Finn smiled, completely pleased. “I’ll pick you up at one tomorrow. I’ll talk to Kester first thing and arrange for us to have the afternoon off. See you at Heart in the morning!” Before Rae could reply, he walked into the night, toward Archie’s. As he lit another cigarette, his thoughts slowed and it occurred to him since running after her from outside the pub he hadn’t planned anything. He’d been on auto-pilot. Now he was silent, mulling over their evening…

_I just asked her on a date. A fucking date!_

****

Rae walked into the house and closed the door behind her, leaning backwards and resting her head. She heard Chloe upstairs getting ready for bed. A surge of energy shot through her. Rae jogged in place while pumping her arms back-and-forth. Chloe popped her head around the top stairs corner. “Rae?!”

Rae stopped immediately. “Yea?”

“Oh good! What took you so long? Bloody Chop and Izzy just walked straight back into the pub. Fuckers. Since they live here I heard Chop say he was sure no one would bother them. Arch walked me home. We don’t know where Finn got off to.” 

Rae hesitated before offering an explanation. “I went through one of the neighborhoods, and it took longer than I thought because I had to double-back. But I’m good, ready to crash.” She took the steps quickly and hugged Chloe. The two looked at each other and smiled. “Pretty good summer, Chloe. You were right.” 

Chloe gave her a tight smile. “Aren’t I always?”

“Yeah, right.” Rae rolled her eyes. Once in her room, she began thinking over the night’s excitement. She didn’t logically know how any of it had unfolded, one minute she and Finn only ever talked about work, then on the way back to Chloe’s she had been safer and happier with him than she thought possible. And it hit her…

_He asked me on a date! And I said ‘yes’!_

———————————————  

**Chapter Five**

The next morning at Heart, the first thing Rae saw was Finn standing in front of her with a huge grin on his face. “Kester said ‘yes’. As long as we get most of our work done, we can leave at lunch.” 

Rae beamed. “Seriously?”

Finn looked completely pleased with himself. “Yup. So, work fast.” They split up and hustled around the office going through their daily routine in fast forward.

Hours went by faster than Rae expected. At noon, Finn hurried over to her desk. “Ok, intern. You’re done for the day.” Rae immediately stopped typing, stood up and gathered her things. She gave Finn the biggest smile she could manage. “See you at mine in an hour?”

“Yup, I’ll pick you up then.” 

Rae ran home. She couldn’t contain her excitement, it was the first time she remembered running because she wanted to. After their walk last night, happy anticipation washed over Rae, overriding everything in her brain and body. She wanted more – more of him, more time together, more laughter, more memories, more of being safe and happy like she was next to him.  _I’m not used to this. It fizzes like cherry cola and tingles like kisses on my neck. Is this happiness?_  

As Rae got to the house, it dawned on her she would have to explain going out for the afternoon with Finn.  _Shit. I have no idea how Chloe will react._ Before she went upstairs to get ready, Rae found her friend in the living room and poked her head around the corner at Chloe. “So, Kester gave Finn and I the afternoon off. I was thinking about going out to write or Finn talked about maybe us getting together this afternoon,” her volume lowered on the part about Finn. “So I’ll be gone until laters. See ya!”  _Please don’t get mad._

Chloe looked up at Rae. “Wait, Rae. What? Are you and Finn going  _out_?”  

“Well, we will literally be going out somewhere, but, I mean, I don’t know that it’s a date or anything. We just work all the time, so I think it would be good for us to do something together that’s not work-related. Yeah?”

Chloe huffed and leaned back. “Yeah. I guess so. I’ll go out on my own to shop. You two have fun.” She snapped her head back down to the magazine on her lap and sharply flipped a page. 

Chloe clearly wasn’t happy, but Rae didn’t want to go into a conversation about it right now. _Fuck. She’s going to be in such a mood when I get back._

Chloe left the house shortly after, which gave Rae just enough time to blast her music and freshen up.  _She’s Electric_  by Oasis echoed through the house while she danced around her room. Rae remembered Finn’s confession about her first night in Croyde, when he saw her doing the same as she was now and she couldn’t suppress giggling.  _I never imagined I would be someone a boy like would Finn stop and stare at._  

Just as he promised the night before, Finn pulled up in his car at one sharp. Rae opened the door and bounded out to him before he could even get out of the driver’s side to meet her.

He stood with one arm draped over the open door and the other resting on the roof, looking at her across the car, mouth slightly hanging open and eyebrows raised. “Not even going to let me get to the door, girl?”

The minute the word “girl” escaped his lips she became lightheaded.  _God. He’s perfect._ She gave him a cheeky smile and opened the passenger’s side, “Well, I know how you hate it when people make you wait.” She settled herself into the passenger’s seat. Rae had no idea where he was taking them, but she didn’t care. 

****

Repositioning himself in the driver’s seat, Finn couldn’t get the picture of her running towards him with her hair bouncing out of his mind.  _Her hair wasn’t the only thing bouncing. Her boobs are HUGE._  He stopped himself short of letting the thought go further. Finn’s face softened and he couldn’t help but smile. 

Finn hadn’t planned on hitting the man last night, but the urge to protect Rae overwhelmed him. Someone threatening Rae jolted Finn, awakening a genuine care for her.   _Fuck, I’m in trouble. I want her to be safe, I want her to be happy. I’ve never thought about a girl like this before._  Lying in bed after dropping her at Chloe’s, Finn mulled over everything. When she ran his only impulse was to follow her. His resolve to maintain the ways he kept emotional and physical distance from her were crumbling.  _I’m happy. I’m excited. I want her. I want Rae._

Settling himself in the drivers seat, Finn put the car back into gear, turning to Rae with a broad smile. “Trust me, girl?” 

Her entire face lit up with anticipation. “I better, I’m stuck with you now.” 

Finn planned an afternoon of rummaging though vintage record shops scattered in neighboring towns, a trek he believed only she could appreciate. He discovered most of the shops on his own the summer before, never sharing them with anyone else he knew. Whenever he needed time away from Croyde, he picked one and quietly spent afternoons hiding away from everyone. Today, he wanted to share all of them with her. As they drove, he saw the sign for Georgeham and was filled with excitement. 

After a few hours laughing and playfully criticizing each other’s music choices, Finn and Rae had positioned against the back wall of an old store in Mortehoe with piles of records around them.  

“Look, I know you keep thinking you have superior music knowledge – but I am a year ahead of you in this radio business so just admit that I  _might_  know something you don’t.” He batted his eyelashes at her

“Ha, NEVER. Years and knowledge are two ENTIRELY different things, Finn. You might be a year ahead of me, but you know about as much about music as my mum,” she teased, giving a sly smile. Finn sighed, looking back at the record in his hand. 

The longer they talked, the more they fit together. The two shared stories about their broken families – her father left before she was old enough to remember him, his mom left when he was old enough to know what it meant to live without her. They commiserated about acting older than their age – she never fit in with her peers, he never had much patience for dealing with his. They spent hours talking about music and radio. Rae reflected on writing, while Finn mused about playing guitar.  _Everything about her is peaceful. I am peaceful._

Finn spent time talking about pieces of his life he hadn’t shared with anyone in years. All the pretenses of who people expected him to be faded away. He saw their lives hinging together, as pieces of his that left him disconnected were connecting to hers.  _How is she doing that?_

The sky outside kept getting darker and Finn knew the shop would close soon. He swallowed hard. “Look, I don’t want to take you home. I like talking to you. Do you want to do something else?”

Rae looked at him with warmness in her eyes and they crinkled around the edges as she smiled. “Yeah, I would.”

The two ended up at a small pub, talking for another few hours until everyone else left. It seemed like time stopped.  _How did that happen?_  Finn looked at his watch. “Shit, it’s past ten.”

“SHIT, Chloe is going to think you kidnapped me or something.”

“Oh, so we should head back?” Finn couldn’t hide the disappointment in his voice. 

“Maybe…this has been brilliant.” Rae beamed at him. 

They returned to Finn’s car and pulled out for the drive to back to Croyde. Finn caught Rae staring at him and couldn’t help but smile again. Her right hand rested on the edge of her seat, closest to him. Finn reached over, laying his left hand lightly over hers. She tensed for a moment, and then relaxed. Glancing over, he saw her pressing her lips together as the corners turned up. Rae reached her thumb up and brushed over his pinkie, leaving it resting on top. Finn couldn’t help but experience an overwhelming sense of pleasure, his whole body responding. He curled his fingers downward, interlacing them with hers. She pushed back and her fingers came to the surface over his. Finn’s heart sped up again and he forced himself to look back to the road.  _Where did this girl come from?_

****

They spent the ride back in silence as The Cure rolled in waves from the dashboard speakers. The refrain from  _To Wish Impossible Things_  echoed as the car slowed in front of Chloe’s house, which was pitch dark and dead silent. Rae leaned forward in her seat, careful not to break contact with Finn’s hand. The two sat in silence. Rae looked at Finn, “I don’t want today to end.”

Finn turned to her. “I don’t want it to either. How’s about we go back to mine? I’m sure Archie’s out with the gang.” Rae nodded and Finn shifted the car back into drive, heading to Archie’s house. 

In Finn’s room, with the door closed, they sat on the floor with their backs against his bed. Records piled around them once again, mulling through his collection this time. Within no time they were laughing, trading witty barbs and it was as if they never left the sanctuary of the record shops. 

“Oh Finn, I would have expected more from you.” She held a vinyl in front of his face. “Babylon Zoo. Really? This is  _exactly_  why I have the superior music taste in our relationship.”

Finn raised an eyebrow and his mouth turned up on the left side. “Oh, we’re in a relationship now are we?” 

Rae’s cheeks blushed a deep red color and she returned to studying the records. Finn casually placed his hand on her knee, drawing circles with his thumb. She picked her head up and was surprised to see him expectantly meeting her eyes with his. With a single look down to her lips, Finn leaned forward and gently touched his against hers. Rae leaned in and brought her left hand to the back of his head, pressing their lips together harder.  _I literally have no idea what I’m doing._  The thought kept ricocheting around her brain. Finn’s lips parted and she followed his lead, letting their tongues meet. He leaned into her and closed the distance between their bodies. Rae dropped the record from her right hand and pushed her chest into his.  _Literally…no…idea…_

After a few moments, they parted and stared at each other. Finn’s left thumb stroking Rae’s cheek, while his right hand had found its’ way to be entwined with her left on the floor. Rae took a deep breath and focused her eyes on his. “Thank you.” 

Finn smiled. 

Without warning or control, Rae’s brain kept supplying words to her mouth. She playfully pulled her head back and shook it from one side to the other. “Don’t think just because you played music for me I’ll be dropping my pants tonight.”  _What the FUCK are you doing?_

Finn looked startled. “I wasn’t expecting…”

_Why the hell did I just say that?_ “Sorry, sorry…I just…”, Rae couldn’t stop stammering and looked back to the floor, humiliated.

“Rae, it’s ok. I didn’t think…” Finn was calibrating to what he thought she was saying.  _Stop being a fuck-up._  Rae turned back to him. “I mean, I  _want_  to have sex with you, but…I just…can I kiss you again?”

Tension in Finn’s jaw loosened. “You don’t have to ask to do that, of course you can.” Rae leaned back into him and brought her hands to Finn’s face, running them to his jawline, then brushing his earlobes and traveling around to the back of his neck.  

The two carried on looking through records, kissing, and sharing stories for the next few hours. When Rae finally noticed the clock it was three in the morning. She pinched Finn playfully and pointed for him to look. As he turned his face, Rae gave him a kiss of the cheek. He laughed, “Holy shit. Chloe really is going to think I kidnapped you. What do ya think, girl?”

Rae groaned and tilted her head back, resting it on the bed behind them. “Yeah, I should probably get home. That and I have to be up and at work by nine. A guy I work with is a real dickhead about schedules.” 

Finn reached over and grabbed her leg, tickling under her knee. Rae turned and her back hit the floor as she tried to squirm away from him. “Ok, ok…he’s a real  _fit_  dickhead.” 

Finn stopped and crawled over her so they were face-to-face with their bodies lightly touching. “Ok, ok…better get you home, intern. Don’t want you to get in trouble with this  _fit_ dickhead.” He pecked her lips and hopped up in a single move.  _Fuck he is FIT._  Rae lay there momentarily, closing her eyes. She knew Finn was staring at her. 

He offered, “I mean, you can stay – I wouldn’t object.” 

Rae took in a breath to strengthen her resolve. “Nope, gotta go home….FUCK.” She put her hand over her eyes before opening them to see Finn offering his had, waiting to pull her up. 

“Well, I mean, I’m inclined to take you up on a that offer. I have fifteen pounds somewhere.” He gave her a cheeky smile as she stood to face him, her hand in his.

Rae hit him square in the chest with her free hand. “You  _cheeky_  bastard!”

“Oi! That hurt. I’m delicate.” 

“Mmmm – clearly.” 

Finn looked intensely into her eyes. “To be continued?”

Rae smiled at him. “To be continued.” Finn leaned in and they kissed deeply. 

The two quietly left Archie’s house, slowly making their way back to Chloe’s. Once on the front steps, Rae kept willing Finn to linger and he obliged. Eventually pulling his lips from hers, Finn sighed. “But really, we need to sleep otherwise we’re fucked at work tomorrow.”

Rae nodded as his hand traveled up her back, then she felt a little tug on a lock of hair he had gathered between his fingers. “See you later.” Finn headed down the path and turned back to Archie’s. Rae watched until she could no longer make out his outline in the moonlight. 

Rae entered the house and things were still dead quiet. Her eyes had adjusted to the dark, so she went upstairs without turning on any lights assuming Chloe was asleep. As her feet hit the top stair and she turned towards her room, a pair of legs sticking out of the bathroom doorway caught her eyes.  _What the fuck?_

Within seconds her curiosity became panic. It was Chloe. Rae ran over to her, flipped on the bathroom light and her legs collapsed. Chloe was unconscious and looked a wreck, her make-up was out of order, eyeliner smudged all over and lipstick pulled around the outside of her mouth. Rae rolled her friend over, shook her and screamed, “CHLOE!” She was limp, but Rae could see Chloe’s chest rising and falling as her lungs worked. Rae leaned back against the doorframe. 

_FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. What do I do? What do I do?_

Hand to her head, tears streamed down Rae’s face.  _FUCK. I don’t know what to do._

****

Finn quietly made his way through the kitchen back at Archie’s house. Just as he rounded the corner towards the stairs, the house phone rang. Normally Finn ignored it, but the early morning hour was odd for anyone to call. He quickly made his way to the hall table and picked it up, “Hiya?” All he heard was someone crying on the other end of the line, then Rae whispering, “What do I do Finn? She won’t wake up.” 

“What?” 

“I went upstairs and Chloe was passed out on the floor, she won’t wake up and she looks terrible and I don’t know what happened and I don’t know if it’s booze or pills or I don’t know…” Rae trailed off. 

Finn slammed down the phone without saying a word and headed back to Chloe’s through the kitchen. He ran as fast as he could, his heart thumping through his ears since the moment he heard Rae’s voice.

At Chloe’s, he pounded his fist on the door and heard Rae on the other side. When she opened the door, her face was panicked.  Finn put a hand on her shoulder and urgently asked, “Where is she?” Rae pointed upstairs. Finn took them two at a time and saw Chloe face-up in the hallway. He heard Rae following slowly behind him. 

Finn leaned down and took Chloe’s pulse. It was strong.  _Stupid girl, what did you do?_ He checked her breathing and it seemed steady. He stood up and faced Rae. “I bet she drank to much, but just by checking her pulse and breathing I think she’s ok. I don’t know though. This happens to guys at uni when they party too much. We can take her to the hospital or try to wake her up.”

Rae looked at him with complete defeat in her features. He had never seen her like this before and it made him uncomfortable.  _We’re fucking kids. Where are Chloe’s parents?_

He tried again, “Let’s get her in a cold shower, yea? See where that gets us.” Finn motioned for Rae to help him and they lifted Chloe into the bathtub, turning the shower on the coldest setting. It took a few minutes, but Chloe woke up cursing. “Get the FUCK off me!!!!” Rae grabbed Chloe, turning off the water with her left hand, while Finn backed towards the door to give them space. Chloe wasn’t sober, but she at least knew Rae was the one holding her and calmed down.

Finn waited downstairs in the kitchen while Rae dried Chloe off and put her in a bathrobe. She guided her friend downstairs and sat her at the table across the room from Finn. Rae fed Chloe any carbohydrate she could find in the cupboards, trying to make things better. Finn leaned against a cabinet and watched. “Rae, she needs to get checked out. Talk to Chloe when she’s sobered up, yeah? Shit’s got to get straightened out or she’s going to really hurt herself.”   

Chloe finally chimed in, “Like hell she needs to talk to me. My best mate’s supposed to be spending the summer with me, but it’s like she’s not even here. I can do whatever the FUCK I want. You know how good it feels to be wanted, Finn…right? You want to talk about that?”

Finn shook his head, looking down at his boots. Rae went to stand next to him. “Go home and sleep. I’ll handle her. Thank you. I really didn’t know what to do, not sure this was the right thing, but it’s something, you know?”

“I do.” He reached up and stroked Rae’s cheek. They made their way to the front door and for the third time that night Finn headed home. It was four in the morning. 

_What just happened? How could tonight have been so perfect for us and so fucked up for Chloe?_

****

Rae decided to sleep with Chloe in her room. Once the two piled in Chloe’s oversized bed, it took Rae another hour to calm down enough to sleep. When she woke and turned to Chloe a few hours later, her friend was staring straight at her. 

“Rae, I think I’m still drunk.” Chloe reached over and tapped Rae’s nose with her index finger. “POKE!”

“FUCK CHLOE!” Rae rolled her head back to look at the ceiling, exhaling sharply. “What the fuck happened last night?”

Chloe was silent. Rae kept questioning her, “Chloe, what is going on?”

Chloe sat up and pushed her back against the headboard. “Rae, I’m alone.”

“Don’t be daft, no you’re not. I’m here, the gang’s here.” 

Chloe exploded at her, “You’re not here, RAE! You’re fucking working all the time. I only see you when the gang’s together, then yesterday you ran off with Finn. You’re supposed to be spending the summer with me. You’re my friend! But I’m here, all alone. I went out and found people who wanted to be with me. Do you know how good that felt?”

Rae sat up and looked at Chloe sternly. “Pretty fucking good I bet from the look of things. Chloe, you were passed out on the bathroom floor. You scared the  _shit_  out of me. I had to call Finn for help.” Rae paused, then asked, “Where are your parents, weren’t they supposed to be in from Italy by now?”

Chloe exhaled and shook her head. “They’re not coming, they never were. They didn’t want to spend the summer here, but this was  _my_  last summer before uni. Everyone’s moving on. You’re working and will have a job in radio soon, none of the other girls from college care what happens to me, my parents just want me to get married and I feel…lost.”

Rae was dumbstruck, she had never seen Chloe like this before. “What do you mean they were never coming? Chloe, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Rae, I knew your mum wouldn’t agree to it.” Chloe laid her head back against the wall. 

“Chloe, I’m sorry, but you should have told me. And I’m not ignoring you, I promise. What did you mean about only seeing me with the gang? Aren’t you hanging out with Arch, Chop and Izzy when Finn and I are working?”

“No, RAE! They go off and do other things. There’s no gang without you and Finn.” 

Rae’s heart broke for Chloe. As much as this summer had been full of promise for her, all the things keeping her busy were also keeping Chloe isolated and disconnected. “Fuck, Chloe. I’m sorry. We’ll start doing things just the two of us, yeah?” 

Chloe nodded with a hesitant smile on her face.

“Let’s eat breakfast and then I have to go into the station. I’m going see if Kester will give me the afternoon off. You need to talk to someone proper about all this. That’s why I was in therapy all those years in Lincolnshire. You’re not alone, but us spending time together won’t fix how you feel.” 

Chloe closed her eyes, “I know, I just want it all to stop.”

Rae hugged her, “I know, I’ve felt that way all my life before this summer.”

Arms wrapped around Chloe, Rae exhaled and a wave of homesickness washed over her. She closed her eyes, trying to pinpoint what home she missed - it wasn’t Lincolnshire or her family.  _I miss Finn._ _I want Finn._

———————————————  

**Chapter Six**

Finn sat at his desk, nervously tapping a pen as his eyes lost focus looking through the back windows of the station. It was half-past ten in the morning, and the only other time Rae had been late since her first day at Heart.  _Should I ring her? Maybe run by? Just leave it._  Finn pushed back his chair and leaned forward, staring down at his boots.  _God, this got complicated fast._

Fingertips ran from his lower back to the nape of his neck, sending shivers all the way to the crown of his head. He looked up to Rae standing just behind his shoulder.

“Ya alright, girl?”

“Yeah, I suppose.” She sounded tired, giving him a weak smile before turning her attention toward Kester’s office.

“How’s Chloe?”

“She’s ok, at home resting. I’m going to ask Kester for the afternoon off. Hate to do that, but Chloe needs to talk to someone proper about everything. I want to help her find someone today.” Rae looked back to Finn, her eyes glazed over with sadness.  _How do I fix this? How do I help her?_

“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to Kester and I’ll get things covered here. Good thing is there’s an experienced intern who knows how to do everything. You help Chloe.” He gave her a half-smile and wink, trying to lighten the mood between them. Rae flattened her lips against each other, exhaling through her nose and looking down.  _I want you here, but you’re somewhere else._

“Thanks.” She forced a smile. “We’ll talk laters, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Finn swallowed hard as Rae turned to leave.  _I miss her. What’s going on in her head?_  Things seemed perfect between them yesterday.  _It didn’t last long enough. How do I get us back to how good it was last night? God, that’s the best I’ve felt in ages._ He stood, following behind Rae with a long stride allowing him to quickly catch up to her. He slipped a hand around one of hers. “Come here, yeah?” He pulled her toward the conference room. Finn moved his palm to the small of her back and guided her in front of him, closing the door behind them and turning to face Rae.

“What’s the matter Finn?” Rae looked confused.

He didn’t answer, but stepped forward and kissed her. She moved her hands to his back. Finn leaned into her. After a few moments, her hands traveled to his chest and pushed him backwards. “What’s going on Finn?”

“I want to go back to yesterday.” 

“Me too, Finn. But I have to go take care of Chloe.” 

He shifted his weight into his heels away from her. “I know.”

Rae stepped to meet his face and stroked his cheek with her thumb. “I want go back too – to the record shops, to your room, to all of it. It was perfect.” 

Finn shook his head. “Why does it feel like longer ago than yesterday?” 

Rae answered, “I don’t know.” He trailed his fingers to her arm, drawing shapes. “You keep that up and I’ll never go back to Chloe’s.”

He smiled. “I can live with that.” Finn leaned forward to kiss her. 

Rae groaned before their lips met and Finn rocked back on his heels again. “Ok, see ya laters?”

Rae finally gave him the warm smile he’d waited for since seeing her this morning. “You know it.”

Finn opened the door and she passed by him. He caught the faint smell of lavender in her hair and inhaled deeply. Rae turned sharply and grabbed his arm. “Hey, you can do that anytime.”

_You’re being weird._ Finn was suddenly very self-conscious.“What?”   _  
_

“Pull me into a room like that. You don’t need to ask.” 

He blushed, shifting his focus to the floor. “Good, wasn’t planning on it.” 

She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before turning to leave Heart. Finn’s eyes followed Rae as long as she stayed in view. 

_I need her. I want her._

****

It took a few hours, but Rae and Chloe found a therapist in town who had time available for an appointment. Rae knew she needed to make sure Chloe went. Rae learned years ago, in her darkest moments, she never asked for help. She wanted better for Chloe, so she would support her friend now. 

Rae sat in the waiting room of the therapist’s office remembering years of her own sessions, so much time spent believing nothing about her life would change. Right now, in Croyde, she believed everything was changing. _I feel awake and alive for the first time here._ That first night returning home from The Thatch, she believed nothing bad could happen in Croyde. Rae closed her eyes and worked to hold onto that belief.  _Life is different here. I have been so safe and happy with Finn, with the gang, with work._

Today, she kept seeing cracks in the surface of life again. Finn seemed so desperate earlier, it took everything in her not to stay with him. Chloe was falling apart, and Rae just wanted to fix everything for her friend. The belief she didn’t know how to fix things for herself though kept creeping up, just like in Lincolnshire. The summer was half over and time kept moving faster. Rae took a deep breath. 

_1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10._

Afternoon became night, Rae and Chloe didn’t go to The Thatch or talk to the gang after getting home. The house stayed quiet and the two piled onto the couch, watching “The Breakfast Club”, eating popcorn and talking. In some ways, it seemed summer was starting all over again. This was the type of night Rae expected when she stepped off the train. She struggled with an overwhelming sense of urgency to spend every moment with Finn, which quickly turned into anxiety.  _I can’t go back to before knowing him. I don’t want to go back. God, I hope it was real. How do I know if it was real? Was it in my head? I want to cry and laugh at the same time. This is fucking ridiculous. I am mad._  She fought back what was happening in her head to focus on Chloe. “How did your session go?”

“Good, I suppose. How are those things supposed to go?” Chloe turned her whole body towards Rae, knees up on the couch and the movie playing softly in the background. 

“I don’t know.” Rae shrugged and kept staring at the TV.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Haven’t you been in therapy for years?” Chloe sounded irritated as her head dropped forward, with her chin jutted out while staring at her friend.

Rae turned her head towards Chloe and shrugged. “I mean, it’s different for everybody, I guess. So, my therapy sessions were probably really different than yours. I was just curious if you thought it helped.”

Chloe exhaled and thought for a moment. “I mean, the therapist was nice and let me talk the whole time. I felt better afterwards, but nothing in my life has changed. I’m still here, things are still the same, and nothing’s different.”

Rae grabbed the remote and clicked the mute button, turning her body fully to Chloe. “Yeah, but it takes time. You have to choose to keep trying.”

Chloe pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at Rae. Then she turned back to the TV, picking up the remote and turning the sound back on. “I know.”

Rae sat silent for a moment. “Do you really? ‘Cause you need to keep going. You can’t just go and stop. A therapist can help you think about and look at things differently. At least, mine did for me.”

“I’ll keep going this summer, Rae.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. I already have another appointment on Thursday.”

Rae turned back towards the TV. After a few minutes of silence, she decided to shift the conversation, “You know we’re in this movie, yea?”

“What do ya mean?” Chloe sounded confused.

Pointing to the TV, Rae laughed, “You’re Claire and I’m Allison. It’s obvious.” 

“Oi! Are you saying I have a fat girl’s name?”

“Oh God, of course you would think that’s what I was saying. Forget it, just watch the stupid movie.”

After a moment of silence, Chloe tilted her head to the side closer to Rae as Anthony Michael Hall scratched a record on the screen and the opening refrain of  _We Are Not Alone_ kicked in, while all the characters danced. “Ok, if you’re Allison and I’m Claire…who’s Brian?”

Both girls laughed, looking at each other smiling and screamed, “ARCHIE!”

As the screen flickered, Chloe kept analyzing, “So who would that make John Bender? Finn, yea?”

Rae’s chest tensed and her mouth pulled down. “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t think they’re much alike.”

“Oh, he’s totally JOHN! But wait, if I’m Claire and he’s John, then shouldn’t I have been out with him all day yesterday? They end up together.” Chloe kept looking at the screen, not making eye contact with Rae. 

“Well, Croyde is a far way off from 1985, so I don’t think it’s the same. They’re not the same.” Heat rose in Rae’s cheeks and she could hear her heartbeat behind her eardrums.

“Rae…why does Finn like ya?” 

Rae stayed silent, stunned and unsure why Chloe asked. The question hung between them like a dark cloud.  _Why is she banging on about this? She’s just hurt. She isn’t trying to be mean. Is she?_

“I don’t know.” It was the only answer Rae could give. 

“Probably just because you two are spending so much time at the station together. I mean, I can’t imagine anything would actually happen between you two, yeah? Summer’s half over.” Chloe finally turned to Rae with her eyebrows raised. 

Rae kept her eyes on the screen. “I suppose.”  _Don’t get upset. Don’t cry._

“Rae, when you move to London for uni will we still be friends?”

“Sure, Chloe.”

“But how do you know?”

Rae forced herself to turn to her friend. “I don’t, but I’m here now and I can tell you I’m still your friend.”

Chloe leaned over and put her head on Rae’s shoulder. Later, as the credits rolled, both girls ambled upstairs exhausted. 

Leaning inside the door to her room, a wave of sadness hit Rae – one of the best days of her life had melted into one of the scariest. The last time she remembered being this scared was the day she woke up in the hospital, the morning after she cut herself too deeply trying to create a gasket for the overwhelming pain inside her. She sat down on her bed and cried.  _It’s ok, it’s ok…God, I want Finn. I need Finn._  She rubbed her fingers over the scars on her legs and felt the raised skin beneath her pajama pants.  _I’m still alive. It hurt, but I’m still alive._

The tears were different than those she shed next to Chloe on the bathroom floor. In the morning hours she had cried out of fear, now as she sat in her room, she shed tears of uncertainty and relief. She was relieved Chloe was alright and wanted to get help, but most of all she was relieved she didn’t feel alone.  _I have Finn_.  _He looked at me like he could see things buried in me I didn’t even know were there._   _We’re the same. That has to count for something. He has to see that._  Wiping the tears away, she laid back and rolled on her side, breathing deeply. As Rae forced herself to relax a single thought was left in her head.

_Why does he like me?_

**** 

Finn went to The Thatch with Archie after work, hoping the girls would show up – they didn’t. Archie, Chop and Izzy carried on for hours while Finn sat quietly at the table chewing on his cheek, eyes narrowed, brows furrowed and smoking the occasional cigarette. He barely noticed when Chop stood and hit him on the back of the head playfully. “Hey! Send out a search party or go home!” Finn gave a tight smile and excused himself, heading back towards Sandy Way. He slowly passed Chloe’s house on his way to Archie’s and debated knocking, but decided against it.

The next morning, Finn headed to Heart by half past eight. He hadn’t heard from Rae after she left the station to take care of Chloe the day before.  _It’s not like she told me she’d call. I hope she’s ok. I want her to be ok. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so distracted by her?_

Every step towards the shoreline in the morning sun was accompanied by a rolling breeze, blowing his fringe back. As he reached the door into the radio offices, Finn leaned forward slightly, turning his head down and reaching up with his fingers to adjust it into place. As he looked up, Finn saw Rae sitting at his desk, looking out through the back windows at the water. He quietly came up behind her and returned the greeting from yesterday, running his hand up the top half of her back. She instantly stood, turning towards him. Rae smiled, but it was different than the smile he’d grown to love – it was pulled slightly down at the corners of her mouth and her lips formed thin lines against each other.  _Where’s my girl?_  

Rae offered softly, “Hiya.” 

Finn let his jaw drop open, giving her a big smile. “Hiya, girl. You alright? I was going come round actually, but…”

Rae cut him off, “Chloe was pretty out of it and we talked through stuff last night. I don’t want to drag you into it.”

Finn tightened the muscles around his eyes, focusing on her. “I don’t mind that you’ve got stuff. Everyone’s got stuff, really.” 

“I know Finn, but there’s a lot you don’t know.”

“Rae, there’s a lot you don’t know about me either. Isn’t that what we’re doing here – getting to know each other?” He put his bag down on the desk without taking his eyes off her. 

“Suppose.” She didn’t sound convinced. 

Finn saw Kester hovering in is office doorway. “Hey you two, back to normal programming today?”

Finn rolled his eyes at Rae. “Just getting going.”

“Good, things fell behind yesterday, so need to catch up today. Finn, can you come in here?” Kester waved him over. 

“Yup.” Finn gave Rae a reassuring smile, turning towards Kester’s office and brushing her hand as he strolled away.

In the office with the door closed, Finn sat in a chair across from his boss’ desk. Kester settled back into his chair and studied Finn. “So, things good?”

“Yeah, why?”  _Why’d he pull me in here for this?_  

“Good…so, you and Rae?”

_Shit._ “What do you mean?”  _  
_

“I saw you pull her into the conference room yesterday, then you covered for her and did twice the work yesterday.”

_Fuck._ “Oh, well…” Finn stammered.  _  
_

“Look, Finn, there are no rules saying you and Rae can’t date. Just keep it out of Heart, I want you two to stay professional while you’re working.”

_Leave it, Kester._ Finn nodded. “Don’t worry, we won’t let it interrupt work again.”  _  
_

“Yeah, I know Finn. But I’ve seen you put all your energy in here for almost two summers now and the past few days something has changed. You’re more distracted. I don’t want to see you get off track. You have such a bright future ahead of you considering how hard you’re willing to work and how talented you are. We talked last summer about how you were ready to move on from Stamford to London and after this summer you’ll be ready to move on too. Just keep that in mind with her. I don’t want either of you hurt.” 

Finn picked a spot on the wall behind Kester’s head to focus on as his boss kept talking. Looking at him was making Finn angry. “I hear you, Kester.”  _Fuck off._   _You don’t know us._

“Ok, good.” Kester smiled. “Get back out there.” 

****

Rae busied herself organizing prompts for the day in the production booth, shuffling papers and resetting the board. She shifted her gaze up as Finn left Kester’s office, he looked angry.  _Shit._  Outside Kester’s door, Finn stopped and their eyes met for a second. He made a sharp right turn and disappeared into the break room. Rae’s stomach knotted and her shoulders tensed.  _I’m not enough._  

Her mind did summersaults trying to guess what Kester said to Finn.  _What if he just wants to be friends? I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back._  Rae’s heart sped up and she became anxious. Her eyes hadn’t moved from the break room door. As Finn reappeared, she snapped her head down, curling the entire top half of her body forward and refocusing on the papers on the board. Her heart kept thumping faster.  _What do I do?_

The production door booth clicked open and Finn stood next to her. He exhaled slowly. Rae pulled herself up and ventured looking at him sideways. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, just Kester being…God, I don’t know…Kester.” Finn nervously chuckled. Rae saw cups in each of his hands. Finn motioned for her to take the one between them. “I made you a brew. Going be a busy day.” 

“Thanks.” Rae took the cup and smiled at him. As she wrapped her hand around the warm ceramic, Finn held his grip on the mug, brushing his pinkie across the side of her hand. The physical connection quieted her doubts momentarily. Rae slowly closed her eyes. 

_How is he doing that?_

———————————————  

**Chapter Seven**

Finn opened the door to Heart, holding it for Rae as they left. The sky was tinted with orange and pink as seagulls sang overhead. Being at the station together made everything seem right again after the chaos of the past two days, even when he considered the talk with Kester that morning.  _Just being with her is enough._

Rae followed as Finn held his hand out, offering it to her for the climb up Croyde’s Road. Rae looked from his hand to his face, letting the corners of her mouth turn up slightly. She reached out, lacing their fingers together. When her skin touched his, Finn’s nerve endings tingled.  _I can’t get enough of her._  He nodded to the left, motioning towards The Thatch. “Come on, girl. We’re due to meet the gang.” 

The two strolled towards the pub, Finn squeezing Rae’s hand and rubbing his thumb back-and-forth. She kept returning the pressure of his grip, like a silent conversation passing between them. Finn glanced down Sandy Way as they kept going, he restrained himself from pulling her towards Archie’s house to be alone together. Each time he looked over, Rae was intently focused on the ground.  _What’s going on in your head?_  They kept heading up the hill until the pub walls were in view and Rae’s head drifted up briefly. 

Finn reached down to open The Thatch door, moving slightly ahead of Rae and leading them across the pub floor.  _We’re here together. God, it feels good._   _Together._  As Finn spotted the gang at the back table, Rae’s hand pulled away from his. He released his grasp, stopped and looked back. Her eyes on the gang, she almost ran into him, stopping short and snapping her focus back to his face.

“What’s wrong, girl?”

“Oh, nothing. Just…” Her eyes darted between the gang and Finn. 

“Come on, let’s get some pints.” Finn reached out and took her hand again, encouraging her towards the bar. 

They leaned on the mahogany, standing side-by-side, with their backs to the gang. Finn shifted his weight to the left, leaning the side of his body into Rae. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” He gave her a quick glance. Rae rested her head on her left hand, facing him with an impish smile. He mirrored her pose, facing her and their eyes locked.  _It’s just us. Stay with me, Rae._  Pints slammed down in front of them on the wood, which startled Rae and she stood up straight. Finn huffed out a breath and grabbed both glasses, giving an impatient, tight-lipped grin to the barman.

At the table, Rae sat next to Chloe and Finn on her other side. Archie, Izzy and Chop sat across from them, menus open and arguing over what was the best dish on Thatch’s menu. Finn heard Chloe whispering something to Rae, but couldn’t make out what. He reached down and put his hand on her knee, slowing drawing shapes with his index finger on her inner thigh.  _I should’ve taken us to Archie’s house._ Staring at the mix of people throughout the pub, he lifted the pint in front of him to his lips.

_Definitely should have gone to Archie’s house._

****

Rae leaned towards Chloe to hear better. “What’s going on with you two? You look like a couple.” 

Her heart sped up and chest tightened.  _Careful._  “We do?”

“Yeah.” Chloe nodded her head towards Finn, who was staring out towards the pub crowd and ignoring conversations at the table.

Rae was acutely aware of Finn’s hand on her leg, sending jolts through her body each time his index finger moved. Rae quickly drank some of her pint in an attempt to keep from saying anything more.  _Couple? Fuck. Finn would never want to be a proper couple with someone like me._ She shifted her focus to Archie, Chop and Izzy. “So, what’s for dinner?”

A few hours later, after a table full of greasy food, several rounds and a local band finished playing, the gang stumbled out onto Hobb’s Hill. Izzy and Chloe were still inside, making a stop into the toilets before heading home. The sky now dark, Rae looked up, focusing on the pinpoints of light across the black. She tuned Chop and Archie out as they talked about something a few steps away. Her head tilted back, she sensed the pressure of Finn’s hand on her left hip and his arm around her back. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, leaning her head to the right and resting it on the soft leather of his jacket. 

She heard the door to The Thatch open behind them, followed by Chloe and Izzy’s laughter. Rae quickly stepped forward, turning around to face the girls. Finn’s hand drop from her hip as Rae put distance between them. Finn looked confused as she quickly darted her eyes from him to their friends.  _I’m fucking this up. My relationship is going to be over and it hasn’t even started. What fucking relationship, Rae? Bloody hell, don’t be ridiculous._

Chloe made her way to Rae, draping an arm over her friend’s shoulders. “Alright you lot! Izzy and I decided dinner at mine this Friday. We’re cooking lobsters and everyone is sleeping over.” 

Archie groaned, “Chloe, we have our own fucking beds within walking distance.”

“I’m not hearing it, Archie! You lot have been running off all summer and I want everyone over. I’ve had an empty and we’ve done nothing about it!”

Chop smiled, punching at Archie’s stomach playfully and stopping short of making contact. “An empty! Alright, so sleeping at Chloe’s doesn’t sound so bad, now does it Archie boy?”

Izzy wedged herself between Chloe and Rae, linking arms with both girls. “I’ll be fun, yeah? We can’t get through the summer without at least one party and Archie’s doesn’t count, his family does that every summer, so it’s no fair.” 

Chloe looked over Izzy’s head at Rae. “Exactly!”  

Chop and Izzy said their good nights, heading home. Chloe linked her arm with Rae’s as Archie and Finn fell behind them. “Oh babe, I think everything’s going to be alright. I’m actually looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow. The first one gave me loads to think about. It’s still all a jumbled mess, but at least I’m trying to sort it through so it makes some kind of sense. Like, I have hope.” 

Rae squeezed their arms together tighter. “Good!”

Finn’s boots hitting the pavement behind them caused Rae’s thoughts to drift. 

_Finn’s hand on my hip…_

_****_

Rae ran hot and cold with Finn since coming back to Heart earlier in the week. Finn swore they shared an intense connection. They flirted all the time, stole kisses from each other, laughed.  _It is like the world around us goes away and we’re alone._  But, she pulled away from him the moment they were around the gang.  _I don’t get it. I would think that’s actually where she would feel more comfortable being together._ He took advantage of being alone with her at the radio offices the past few days, flirting more than he normally would and finding excuses to be alone together. Enjoying how simple and honest things were between them in those moments made everything seem easy.

Finn caught Kester watching them several times over the past few days. He even thought their boss was trying to parent them, going so far that Friday to create a special project for Rae. She was responsible for organizing boxes of old vinyls from Heart’s storage rooms at the station. He’d said it was a one-person job, which meant Finn was on his own managing all the other intern duties. They barely had a chance to talk, let alone spend time together. _That’s the only place that’s ours. I hate this._

Having stopped off to get his bag and Archie after work, Finn stood at Chloe’s front door preparing himself and calming his nerves for the night ahead. Archie came up behind him, bumping their shoulders together. “You gonna stand here all night?”

“Just about to knock.” He hit Archie with his bag. 

“Oh please, I don’t think Chloe actually expects anyone to knock. It’s probably open.” Archie reached down and turned the knob, opening the door. “See, told you.” He shot Finn a smug grin and pushed past him into the entry hall.

Throwing his bag onto the floor, Archie made a sharp turn into the living room. “Hiya, Rae!” Finn turned around the doorframe, seeing Rae alone in the room studying CDs near the stereo. She wore a faded Stone Roses t-shirt, leggings and a short skirt that hugged her upper thighs. As Archie approached her, she stood up and the two hugged. Rae’s long hair fell around her shoulders like a waterfall.  _Beautiful_. After a few pleasantries, Archie excused himself to the kitchen shooting a glance over his shoulder to Finn. 

Finn could hear everyone else laughing and talking in the kitchen at the back of the house. He hovered in the doorway, watching Rae as her head followed Archie. Then she turned and gave him a sly smile before leaning back down towards the stereo and picking up a pile of CDs. Standing, Rae put her hand on her lower back and arched backwards, pushing her chest forward. “Ohhhh, I should  _not_  have agreed to do that project for Kester. My back is _killing_  me.” 

Finn sauntered over to her as she turned to face him. “Yeah, I was lonely today. I didn’t have anyone’s hair to pull.” He reached over and gently tugged on one of the locks that had fallen over the front of her shoulder. “So, why does your back hurt from sorting those records?”

“Finn, I leaned over boxes all day.”

“Yeah, so?”

“You’re such a boy. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my boobs are cripplingly large.  _So_ , leaning over boxes all day makes my back hurt.” 

_Is she flirting? This sounds like something she’d say to a friend. She has to be flirting._   _Maybe?_ Finn furrowed his eyebrows and gambled a quick glance down to Rae’s chest. He raised his eyes and was met by an uncomfortable stare.  _“_ I mean, that doesn’t matter to you. I just…um.” She trailed off, looking down to the stack of CDs in her hands as her cheeks flushed a bright pink.  _Oh, accidental flirt._

“I’ve noticed.” 

Rae looked back up at him. “Sorry, what?”

“I’ve noticed.” Finn slowly exhaled, his eyes darting towards the kitchen, then back to Rae. “You have large breasts. I’m a boy, I’ve noticed.”

“Oh.” Rae raised her eyebrows at him. Finn couldn’t stop a broad smile from spreading across his lips, which made her laugh. He reached his left hand towards her face, stepping forward and closing the remaining distance between them. “I missed you today. I miss you when we’re with the gang. I miss you all the time. Why is that, girl?”

Rae’s gaze dropped to Finn’s lips, then back up to his eyes. “Me too. Can you make everything go away so it’s just us?”

Izzy energetically popped her head around the corner from the hallway. “Hey you two! Stop making out in here and come join us, Chop is about to start cooking the lobsters!” 

Rae quickly took a step back and snapped her eyes to the CDs in her hand. “Be right there, Iz!”

Izzy disappeared around the corner. Finn hadn’t taken his focus off Rae, stepping towards her again. “You’ve got to stop doing that.”

“What?” Rae looked up at him, confused.

“Whatever that was. Whatever your doing when we’re with the gang. I don’t want to miss you when I’m right next to you and that’s how it’s been all week. I think they know we’re dating.”

Rae turned her head towards the noise coming from the kitchen, then back to Finn. “I just…I don’t want…I don’t know. Wait, did you say ‘dating’?”

“Aye, I did.”

“Finn, we’ve only been on  _one_  date.”

“Rae, doesn’t matter. Every time we’re together I feel like it’s a date. So, to me we’re dating and you may not know it, but I do. It’s the same us from those record shops, in the pub, in the car, in my room. It’s still us. Isn’t it?” He reached down and took the stack of CDs from her hands, setting them down on a table nearby and turning back to her. 

Rae swallowed hard, meeting his eyes. “A thousand fucks yes. It’s us.” 

_A thousand fucks YES._  “Alright then.” Finn took Rae’s hand in his, leading her to the kitchen. 

As they entered, the entire gang cheered, “HEY!” 

“We were starting to think you two had gotten lost,” Archie chided. 

“Oh, they were lost…in each other!” Izzy playfully pinched Rae. 

“It’s about fucking time! You two have been like two uncoordinated kids trying to dance with each other all week!” Chop threw a towel at Finn, who picked it up off the floor. 

Finn slid behind Rae and pushed himself up to sit on the counter near Chop, who had stationed himself at the stove, handing the towel back to his friend. A large silver pot was filled with boiling water and a tub of lobsters sat on the counter between them. Chop looked over at Finn with a devious grin, carefully putting his hand into the container and pulling a lobster out. He playfully tilted it so the claws fell backwards and it was facing him. He looked at the animal with an ominous stare. “Do you want to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?” Chop laughed and slid it into the pot, careful not to splash water. 

Rae made her way over to them and hit Chop on the arm. “Chop! If I didn’t know better, I would think you were mental.” 

Finn took the opportunity to pull Rae by the shoulders backwards towards him so she stood between his legs, resting her back against his chest while his arms draped over the top of her shoulders. He leaned forward, placing his chin on one of his arms next to Rae’s ear. All the tension left in Finn’s body released as he breathed in.  _She smells like lavender, old records and tea._ It reminded him of smelling old vinyl covers for the first time as a kid, building a new memory of what the smell would remind him of for the rest of his life.  _Such a good smell_. It seeped into his lungs and his arms arms flexed involuntarily around her. 

“Finn, stop showing off.” Rae had her lips turned towards his face and pinched his forearm. 

He laughed, “Sorry.” Finn slipped the arm resting under his chin down her right side, wrapping his fingers around the pinkie of her hand. He whispered in her ear, “Why didn’t I meet you sooner?”

_****_

The heat from his breath in her ear, Rae was sure Finn could hear her heartbeat pounding like a drum.  _Fucking Finn. He’s going to give me a heart attack if he keeps this up. Or I could just pull him upstairs and give myself a heart attack now_. The pressure of his grip around her finger was like a child holding onto something they couldn’t fully grasp.“What do you mean ‘sooner’?”  

“I just mean, I wish I’d met you years ago. So I’d known how good it was to know someone like you when I was younger. I could have known you all this time, if we’d only met sooner.” 

Rae blinked slowly at him.  _I wish I’d known you my whole life. Can we go back together?_ “That would’ve been nice.” She leaned forward, touching their foreheads together.

Archie snapped his fingers to get their attention. “Hello?! God, this is both disgusting  _and_ depressing!”

Rae pulled her head back, but she couldn’t stop looking into Finn’s eyes.  _Fuck, we’re not alone. Get it together._

“Yup, Arch. What?” Finn’s lips slowly turned up at the edges.

“Music. Where are your Blur CDs, Rae?”

She turned her head and saw everyone had moved to the table, leaving Rae and Finn in their own world by the stove. “Um, should be in the pile of CDs in the living room. I’ll get them.” 

Chloe immediately stood up. “Nope. Boys can handle the tunes and we’ll start on the rest of dinner.” She moved to stand by Archie and took his chin in her hand, playfully shaking it back and forth. “Right Archer?”

“Yup! We’re either going to get these two a room or split them up. I’m voting for splitting them up right now. Come on, you.” Archie motioned for Finn to follow him. 

Finn returned a groan and squeezed Rae’s finger again. “Alright.”

Rae stepped forward, allowing him to hop down. He left, but turned to give her a smirk before disappearing into the hallway. Rae couldn’t hold back a soft laugh.

“Oh God, you’ve two have got it bad for each other, Rae!” Izzy rubbed Rae’s back as she passed to check the lobsters. “Glad you’re properly acting like it, otherwise we were going to lock you two in a room so you could either kill or kiss each other. Chop and I had a whole plan.”

Rae let her head drop down to the floor before quickly glancing up at Chloe. Chloe looked at Rae with a mix of happiness and sadness in her eyes before coming over and lacing their arms together. She leaned over, whispering in Rae’s ear, “You look happy together. Just make sure he’s got it as bad for you as you do for him. You deserve that much, Rae.” Chloe broke their arms apart and went to help Izzy sort vegetables on the counter. 

Rae kept her eyes fixed on the doorway.  _Just make sure he’s got it as bad for you as you do for him. How do I do that?_ She snapped her attention to the girls as a stem of broccoli flew past her head. “RAE! Come on, seriously. Help, yeah?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Rae snatched the green stem from the floor before turning to the counter, tearing broccoli florets from their stalks. 

“So, I was telling Chloe that Chop and I are thinking we’ll get married soon. We’ve been dating a few years now and moved in together a year ago. We figure it’s time.” Izzy’s eyes beamed at Rae.

Rae paused and looked at her friend, unable to stop smiling.  _I can’t imagine ever being unhappy around Izzy._  “How did you know Chop was the one for you Iz? You two seem so perfect together.”

Izzy shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, we’d known each other for years and had all the same friends. I was keen on him long before he was keen on me. One day, it just changed. We never looked back and I don’t think either of us considered  _not_  being together again. God, when I say it like that it doesn’t makes sense, does it?”

“Like one of those ‘you just know’ things. Right, Iz?” Chloe had the fridge door open, pulling out a container of tomatoes.

“Yeah, I suppose that makes sense, but it still sounds silly to me to say that. It’s like having a secret I wish I could tell people so they could be happy too, but I can’t because I don’t even know how to explain it.” Izzy stopped chopping the carrots in front of her, crinkling her nose up and forehead down as she thought. “That’s such a shit thing to say, right? It’s like I’m saying, ‘I found this great thing, but I can’t tell you how to find it for yourself or even where to look. You’ll just know it.’ Why is it like that?”

“Probably because it’s different for everyone.” Chloe brushed past Izzy, looking at Rae with wide eyes and pulling her shoulders up slightly as she suppressed a laugh.

Rae went back to separating the broccoli and mused, “I suppose it’s like your life is never the same after you meet that person, right? And maybe feeling like everyone before them only knew pieces of you, but  _they_  see everything. Even things you didn’t know were there?” 

Izzy chirped, “Exactly!”

“Shit Rae!” Chloe chuckled, “You  _do_  have it bad!” All three girls laughed. 

“Oh, I think Chop left beer in our car. We need to get that cold. Be right back.” Izzy disappeared down the hallway.

Chloe softly spoke behind Rae, “I’m happy for you, Rae.” 

She turned to face her friend. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I want you to have what Izzy was talking about. If it’s with Finn, I think it’s grand. Just…be careful.” Chloe’s eyes drifted up to the ceiling and tears pooled in the corners of her eyes. “Rae, you’re different. That’s why I’ve tried to stay friends with you all these years. You’re not like other girls. I mean, neither of us has been perfect to each other, right? But, no matter what, I want good for you. If that’s Finn, then I’ll be happy for you two.” 

“Chloe, where is this coming from?”

“All the girls I’ve known my whole life made things a competition. My therapist and I talked about how I do it too. I don’t want to compete with you.”

“No one’s competing, Chloe.”

“I know, but, I can’t help but compare myself and wonder why he picked you and not me. I don’t want to be like that. But I still do it.” 

Rae leaned back against the cabinet, studying her friend. “Chloe, I don’t want you to feel like we’re against each other.”

“I don’t. You know, I’ve done all the things I was supposed to do to be popular and the person people wanted me to be. I want to be wanted. So why was I not someone  _he_ wanted?”

_Fuck. I’m barely holding onto whatever this is with Finn. I don’t know if I can console Chloe too._ Rae took a step to be next to her. “Maybe it’s not about being someone another person wants. Maybe it’s about being yourself and that’s enough. Yeah?”  _Do I actually believe that? Fuck if I know. I’ve never been enough or I’m entirely too much for people. I can never get it right._

“I hope so. I love ya, babes. Fuck, I’ll have to figure out who I am!” Chloe wrapped her arms around Rae, squeezing tightly. Rae returned the embrace. Blur’s  _Sing_  slowly drifted down the hallway and into the kitchen. 

Izzy bounded around the corner with Finn and Archie in tow. “Bugger! Chop forgot the beer at our place and is heading back over there to pick it up.” Chloe and Rae broke apart as everyone reconvened to finish up dinner.

Rae looked at Finn momentarily.  _For fucks sake! I AM like an uncoordinated child and I’m a fucking horrible dancer. I can’t say all that to Chloe and not try to mean it, otherwise I’m a liar. Bloody hell. All I do is lie and hide, fucking time to be myself._ She rolled her eyes before heading out of the kitchen and grabbing Finn’s hand, pulling him down the hallway and up the stairs towards her room. 

****

Finn’s body jerked sideways as Rae pulled him through the kitchen door.  _Fuck. What’s wrong?_  He followed her without question. In her room she closed the door behind them.  _Shit, this can go several ways. Maybe I was to forward with her in the kitchen. Did I go to fast?_  Finn turned around to face Rae as she rushed into his arms, kissing him hard and pressing her whole body against his. He pulled apart from her. “Rae, what are you doing?”

Rae took in a deep breath. “Finn, I like you a lot. I mean, I like you more than I’ve ever liked anyone, even my family. I don’t know where this is going and I don’t know that I need to, but I want to. All I know is the more I get to know you, the more I want to know. The more time I spend with you, the more of it I want together. I feel greedy. None of this makes sense in my head. You don’t make sense, I don’t make sense - especially together. Nothing makes me think I’m the type of girl you’d ever date if we met anywhere else or any other time. Part of me cares, part of me doesn’t and I feel like those two things are fighting all day when I’m around you. And I don’t know which one I want to win, because I don’t want to get hurt but then I also don’t care if it hurts because at least I’d still know I’m alive. I’d be alive knowing we had whatever  _this_  is.” Rae wildly poked her finger back and forth between them. “I want to go all in and just be with you, but I’m worried about what other people will think. I’m worried about you. I’m worried about me. I’m stuck in my head all the time, but when I’m with you it all speeds up and slows down at once. For the first time I want someone to know all of it, but I don’t because it’s mad…” she trailed off. “Finn.” A few moments passed. “Finn. Finn?”

He stared at her, his eyebrows deeply knitted together. Finn stepped forward, kissing her gently.  _I love this girl._  He pulled his lips back, resting his forehead against hers as they breathed in and out in time with each other. “I’m scared too.”

“Fuck, Finn. I say all that and you sum it up with ‘I’m scared too’. There you go slowing everything down again.” 

_I don’t know how to navigate all this. God, I hope I’m not in over my head. Fuck. I’m in over my head. I don’t care._ “Rae, I have no idea what you’re thinking most of the time. That scares me. I’ve never met anyone like you before and I’m not sure I will again. That scares me. But we’re here now, yeah? Together. That doesn’t scare me. It makes me happy. Does it make you happy?” 

Rae barely whispered, “Yeah, I’m happy.” 

“Alright then, girl.  _We’re_  happy.” He cupped her face in his hands and looked into her eyes.  _How do I make her understand?_ Finn wrapped his arms around her, and buried his face in Rae’s neck, breathing her in. “You smell like heaven.”

Rae laughed, “Your heaven must be filled with dust, old vinyls and tea.” 

He heard the front door open and Chop’s voice ringing through he house, “Ok, you LOT! Beer is here and those lobsters should be ready. SOMEBODY better have been watching them. Let’s turn up the music and get it going!”

Finn separated himself from Rae, stepping to the door and placing a hand on the knob while reaching his other for her. “You ready, girl?” 

She gave him a broad smile. “As I’ll ever be.” He pulled the door open and stepped back out into the hallway, holding her hand. 

Back downstairs, they were greeted by jeers from everyone in the kitchen. Chop was laughing. “Oi! You two, stop sneaking off! Rae, did you let him touch your lady bits?”

“Why are you such a disgusting boy all the time!” Izzy reached over and hit Chop on the arm. 

Finn couldn’t stop himself from laughing, running over and hitting Chop just as hard on the other arm. “Yeah…WHY? WHY?”

Archie stood up from the table. “I’m hungry, you all can starve talking about their sex life if you want. I don’t  _want_  to know if they’re getting off with each other while I’m in the house.” He made his way past Rae and slapped her butt, giving a wink as he went. 

****

After dinner, the gang settled into the living room. Rae sunk into an armchair and Finn promptly settled himself on the floor in front of her, leaning between her legs with his back against the chair. After a few beers and a long week, Rae let her body relax while playing with Finn’s hair.  _This feels so normal, like this is how we’ve been together our entire lives. This time last weekend, we were mates. How do things change so quickly?_ She stopped herself from analyzing.  _This is good. We’re good._ Chloe bent over the stereo, picking out a music selection, while everyone talked about what trips the gang needed to take before the summer ended. Rae closed her eyes as the opening bars to Massive Attack’s  _Protection_ sounded out. 

“Ok, you two are  _NOT_  allowed to go to sleep yet. It’s only ten!” Archie threw a pillow at Finn, who promptly shook awake. 

Rae peaked through her lashes just as Finn chucked the pillow back at Archie, hitting him in the face. “Fuck you. I’ve been working all week!”

Her eyes closed again, Rae heard movement. “Don’t you dare fucking throw that pillow at me Archie.” Whoever it was stopped and everything got quiet, except for the music.  _Fuck, that can’t be good._ Suddenly the neck of her shirt pulled slightly and ice went down her bra. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” Rae’s eyes flew open as she tried to retrieve it without standing up. Finn turned to look at her, suppressing a laugh. Her eyes got wide and she pursed her lips at him. “And what do  _you_  think is so funny?”

Izzy ran across the room, hiding behind Chop. “Well, I figured that would cool you down AND wake you up. Your welcome!” She stuck her tongue out at Rae. 

“Bloody hell, if you weren’t so adorable Izzy I would chase you down.” Finn reached between Rae’s thighs, his fingers disappearing beneath the short skirt clinging to her leggings.  _HOLY FUCK._ Rae forced her mouth to stay shut. 

He gave her a devious grin and pulled his hand back, holding up a piece of partially melted ice. “This one must have fallen.” 

Rae nodded her head and pressed her lips together as a sigh escaped her throat. Finn held her eyes and popped the ice in his mouth, crunching it between his teeth. Rae shook her head. “Fuck you.” 

Finn turned around, looking completely pleased with himself. “One can dream.” 

_He is definitely going to give me a heart attack. As long as I’m on top of him or he’s on top of me when it happens, I don’t care. Kill me now._  

“Ok, enough of this.” Chop stood up. “I  _was_  going to suggest we watch a movie, but clearly Finn and Rae aren’t mature enough to handle that responsibility. So, let’s play sardines.”

“Oh hell, Chop. That’s not any better, they’ll just go and make out in a closet together.” Chloe rolled her eyes, but looked at Rae giving her friend a smile.  _Love her, she’s trying to be better. Oh, Chloe. Thank you._  

“Ok, fine. Can you two at least make your behavior suitable for children if we watch a movie? Izzy is impressionable!” Chop grabbed Izzy, picking her up off the ground. 

“Oi! Chop!” Izzy hit him hard in the chest and he dropped her. “I may be impressionable but I can still give you a good thump!” She put her hands on his chest, leaning forward and forcing all her weight into him, trying to push him backwards while grunting. Chop didn’t budge, putting his right hand on the top of her head to hold her back. “It’s cute, girl. But you know who wins.” Chop reached down, picking Izzy up by the waist and kissing her. 

Finn finally piped in, “Talk about  _children_. We’ll be angels, we promise.” He gave Rae’s leg a pinch and she kicked him softly in the side. Everyone settled back into their spots, except for Chop who went to the stereo, flipping off the music. He pulled a VHS out of his bag in the corner and held it up. “Fucking ‘Mission Impossible’!” 

Chloe groaned, “Chop, you are  _so_  predictable!” Chop pushed the tape into the machine, turning the volume on the set up. The opening credits lit the screen and the entire house was quiet except for the TV. 

A few hours later, with the movie over, everyone went about choosing beds upstairs. Chop and Izzy went into Chloe’s parents room, Chop making crude jokes about her parents never wanting to sleep in there again. Archie pushed Chloe into her room like a scene from a goofy silent movie, all while she joked he and Finn should share her bed. It was the happiest Rae had seen Chloe all summer, she giggled when Archie pulled her arm and slammed the door behind them. Rae could imagine those two would stay up talking until all hours of the morning. When she turned around, Finn was leaning against the doorframe to her room, staring at her intently with his deep chocolate brown eyes.

She shook her head. “You can wipe that look off your face. Don’t even think about  _it_.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t.” He moved to the side, waving a hand inviting her to enter.  _It’s MY bloody room. Cheeky bastard._

“How do you know we’ll be any good at  _it_  together?”

“Oh, I’m optimistic.” He closed the door with his foot. “God, when I came over I didn’t even know what tonight would be like. But now…” He trailed off and gave her a huge grin.  _He looks so happy._  

“Finn, you’re smiling so much your going to pull a muscle in your face and that would just be a crime against girls everywhere. Besides, it will ruin your reputation as a grumpy sod. Then what will you do?” She grabbed his chin. 

“I’ll live.” Finn backed up, kicking off his boots and slipping the flannel shirt he was wearing off over his head. Rae watched as the t-shirt he had on underneath pulled up, exposing his torso.  _Fuck me._ She turned away from him, crinkling her forehead. “What’s wrong, Rae?”

“Do I change? I mean, I live here, but no one else is changing. Or you’re not, at least. I mean…I could wear my nightgown or stay in this.”  _Fucking Finn. I swear my brain stops working when he’s around. I just made this weird. Shit. I’m weird._

Finn laughed, “Just come here, yeah?” Finn laid down on Rae’s bed, putting an arm out for her. 

Rae kicked off her shoes and carefully angled herself next to him, trying to take up as little space as possible. “Rae?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s no way that’s comfortable. Relax.” 

Rae pressed her back into Finn, who put an arm under her neck and his knees tucked behind hers. His other arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer and his breath was on her neck for the second time that night.  _Where are we going? There’s no way he can actually be this interested in me. I don’t know that I can believe what I said to Chloe earlier. I don’t think I’m enough for him. Maybe I am? It won’t last. Can it last?_  Rae’s heart kept racing faster, as if it was trying to take flight. 

“Rae.” Finn pulled her hair with the hand tucked under her head.

“Yeah?”

“You’re mumbling.”

“What?” Rae was embarrassed.

“When you’re focused on thinking about something, you mumble.”

“What?”  _Why would he know that? Wait, I do that?_

He pulled her waist tighter. “I told you, we’ve been together longer than a week. I’ve noticed loads of things about you since your first day at Heart. I might not know  _what_  you’re thinking, but I know when you’re doing it. It’s ok, just relax.” He ran his fingers through the ends of her hair and kissed her neck. 

She soaked in the relief of being with him again, letting her body relax. The hand she had draped over her front reached down and entwined itself with Finn’s around her waist, squeezing his fingers.

_Home. It’s him, being with him. I’m safe. We’re safe._

_———————————————_

**Chapter Eight**

Finn’s eyes blinked open slowly as he stretched his stiff legs and curled his chest around Rae. Sun streamed through the curtains in her bedroom and he studied the flowers on the wallpaper around the window frames. Through the night, Rae had shifted to face Finn with her head still resting on his arm and forehead leaning into his upper chest.  _My arm is numb. I don’t want to wake her. Do I just lay here? Fuck, I’ve slept with girls but I’ve never SLEPT with a girl. What’s the protocol here?_  He heard her deep, rhythmic breathing and closed his eyes. Finn’s mind played memories of Rae like a movie: seeing her through the window her first night in Croyde, stealing glances at her while The Beastie Boys assaulted the speakers at The Thatch, countless days at Heart collecting details about her, following her red Chuck Taylors into the dark neighborhood, laughing in record stores, kissing her gently, holding her in the dark, the feel of his tongue in her mouth, the smell of lavender mixed with old vinyls and tea, sucking on her bottom lip, and her soft hair wrapping under his chin as they slept. Finn’s thoughts continued drifting.  _It’s like listening to my favorite song over and over again, but the lyrics keep changing every time something new happens._

“Finn, you awake?” 

Finn’s eyes opened. “Hmmmm?”

“You awake?”

“I think so.” 

Rae’s legs stretched out, meeting his, while her arms wrapped around Finn’s torso and pulled him tightly. She buried her face in his chest and yawned. “Oh, my whole body is stiff. I don’t think I’ve slept that well in ages.”

Rae pulled her head back, looking up at him. He reached down, tucking strands of hair on her cheek behind her ear. “Same, girl.” Leaning down to kiss her, Rae pulled back. 

“Ummm. I haven’t done this before, but shouldn’t we brush our teeth first?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure once we open that door the gang won’t allow us to come back in here. So, I think a little morning breath is worth it.” Finn ran his fingers through her hair, cupping the back of her head in his palm and pulling her forward.  _Kissing her like this is sweet, like we’ve done it every morning our whole lives._ As he pulled away from her lips, Finn raised his eyebrows. “You know what’s good to relax your muscles?”

Rae brushed her fingers along Finn’s jaw. “What?”

He pulled his arm from under her neck, and rolled Rae onto her back, kissing her again while he stayed on his side. His right hand lifted her shirt and brushed the waist of her leggings as he looked into Rae’s eyes. “You alright?”

Her pupils dilated and she nodded her head, a small smile creeping over her lips. Finn heard her swallow hard and her breathing speed up. His left hand curled around the top of her head and stroked her hair.  _We’re going to do this. We’re actually doing this._ Finn leaned in to kiss her again as his right hand sensed the warmth of her skin just above the waistband on her stomach. His heart pounded louder and louder.  _I want her. I want us. Fuck. It’s like I’m standing on the edge of cliff, getting ready to jump off. _It’s never felt like this before. W_ e’re jumping together._

The pounding sound got louder. He leaned back, looking at Rae to make sure she was with him. The pounding was no longer in his head, someone was knocking on Rae’s door. Finn let out his breath in a loud huff. “SHIT!”

He rolled onto his back as Rae stood. “You’ve got to be fucking joking.”

Finn couldn’t see who was on the other side as she opened the door, and he didn’t care. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. After a moment he heard Archie. “Finn. Finn! We’ve got to get to footie. It’s almost noon. You’re the one who signed us up for this stupid summer league. We need to run by mine to get our kits.”

_Fucking football._ “Go away, Archer.” 

“Mate, come on. You and Rae can see each other later this afternoon. You, Chop and I are going to head out for the game and Izzy is staying here to help clean up.” 

“Give us a second.”

“Fine, Chop and I’ll meet you downstairs.” He heard Archie turn to leave and Finn opened his eyes. Rae stood hesitantly by the bed, looking uncomfortable. He sat up, rubbing his eyes on the palms of his hands before looking at her again and offering a quiet laugh. “So, what were you saying yesterday about making everything go away so it could be just us? How do we do that?”

Rae sat on the end of the bed. “I know, right?”

Chop bellowed from downstairs, “Rae, don’t make us come up and get Finn!”

Finn shook his head. “Twatheads. I’d better go.” He scooted to the edge of the bed, pulling his boots on. They kept smiling at each other, laughing nervously. As he stood, she followed him to the door. Finn turned to look at her. “To be continued, yeah?”

She smiled. “Yeah, to be continued.” 

Finn sighed with relief in the hallway.  _Thank God for last night. I needed her. I want her. Things are going to be ok._

****

Rae heard Finn’s boots hit the stairs and sat back on her bed. She pulled open the drawer in the table next to the headboard, a pen rolling forward as she lifted up the diary Chloe had given her. Flipping through the blank pages, she found one in the middle half covered in writing. Rae picked up the pen and made a note in the margin, stopping momentarily before finishing. She lifted her right hand to her lips, brushing them as a shaky breath escaped her mouth.  _Shit. Things feel too good with him. Too perfect._ She shut her eyes tightly.  _I want this to be real. How am I going to live without him? I’m so tired of being alone. I was fine until him. I knew how to be alone, but now…fuck. Last night was perfect._ Her hand dropped into her lap and her eyes fluttered open. 

Chloe appeared in her doorway with an expectant look on her face. “Rae, Izzy and I agreed we need to get out of the house. We’re going to stop at the tea shop, then meet the boys at footie. You interested?”

Rae looked up from the book in her hand, closing it. “Yeah, sounds good.” She put the diary back in the drawer and closed it, Chloe’s eyes following her movement. 

“You writing again?”

“What? Not really. Just some random thoughts.” 

“Well, I’m glad you’re getting some use out of it. Come on, Iz is running home to clean up and we’re going to meet her there in half an hour, then we’ll cheer on the lads.” Chloe tilted her head sideways, motioning for Rae to get up. 

Rae nodded. “I’ll hop in the shower and meet you downstairs in a few.”

Chloe disappeared back into the hallway. Rae heard the door to her room close and lay down on the bed, rolling over with her nose on the pillow where Finn’s head rested the night before. She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes.  _Fucking hell. I just let him get so close to touching any part of me not above the neck._ A wave of panic hit Rae. She reached down and brushed the skin above the waistband of her tights.  _I don’t know if I can let him touch me. I want to touch him, but me touching him and him touching me are two different things._ Rae pushed herself up and stood. “Get a grip. Shower and get a FUCKING grip. It was one good night.”

She slowly pulled clothes off on her way to the bathroom. Rae closed the glass door to the shower behind her, turning the warm water on and letting it fall over her face before turning around to wash her hair. Her eyes passing over the room, she saw the bathroom door ajar. _Fuck, forgot to close the bloody door._ Then she heard the familiar sound of a thud on the stairs.  _What the fuck?_ Her heart almost stopped and a breath caught in her chest.  _No fucking way._  

“FINN?!” The thudding stopped. Rae’s body froze and a chill went up her back.  _I might die._ "Finn?"

Everything was quiet. Then, his voice hesitantly came from outside the bathroom door, “Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

“Um, I forgot something. The front door was still open, so I came in thinking you girls were tidying up. When I got up here I heard the bath. So, was just leaving.” 

“Oh, ok.”

“See ya laters, yeah?”

“Ok.” Rae leaned her head against the wall. Everything stayed quiet and a few moments later the thud of Finn’s boots down the stairs trailed off.  _Definitely not ready for him to see me naked. DID he fucking see me naked? No. No. Damnit. The only people who’ve ever seen me naked are my mum and doctors. I’m in way over my head._ Rae’s body tensed and her chest constricted, she worked getting enough air into her lungs to control the onset of a panic attack.  _1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…deep breaths, Rae. Put your hands on something flat and breath._ Rae pushed her hands against the cool tile wall and kept staring at the water moving around her feet on the shower floor.  _Fuck._

She wasn’t sure how much time passed, but heard Chloe from the hallway, “Hurry up, Rae! We need to meet Iz!”

“Yup!”  _Keep it together, Rae. He didn’t see anything. You’re fine. You’re perfect. You’re strong._ Rae pulled herself up and turned the water to the hottest setting, allowing herself only a moment to let it sting her skin. She made quick work of finishing her shower, darting back to her room and quickly pulling on clean clothes. As she came to the bottom of the stairs, Chloe was gathering things into her bag. 

“Chloe, did you know front door was still open after the boys left?”

Chloe looked at Rae thoughtfully. “No. That’s weird, I thought I locked it. Oh, I bet I forgot to after Iz left.” 

“Yeah, that’s  _not_  ok.”

“Sorry, well it’s not like we got robbed or anything. Come on!”

The two friends left the house, heading up Hobb’s Hill towards May Cot Tea Rooms. May Cot was on the northern side of town, past The Thatch and on the way to the recreational fields. A one-story, pink building with a thatch roof, it reminded Rae of a place grandmothers would spend their afternoons. An older woman, Ms. Dewhurst, worked behind the counter and made Rae smile when she stopped by to grab a tea or biscuits. It, along with Ms. Dewhurst, was an element of the town Rae was certain hadn’t changed since the 1950s. 

Rae’s stride was longer than Chloe’s, so she slowed her pace on their way to meet Izzy. Passing The Thatch, Chloe pinched Rae on the shoulder. “So, how’d it go last night between you two?”

“Good. Wait, what do you mean?”

“I mean, did you two have sex yet?”

“Chloe! No.”

“Well, did he try anything?”

“Not until this morning, but then he rushed off.”

“Do you think he’s worried because you were ill?”

“No, Archie interrupted us this morning. Wait, why would he be worried about me being ill?”

“Well, with all the talking you two have been doing over the past week have you told him about everything that happened in Lincolnshire?”

“No, absolutely not.” 

“So, how did you explain all the scars on your legs?”

“Chloe, he hasn’t seen me without leggings.”

Chloe bumped her hip into Rae’s. “You’re going to tell him about all that, yeah? Your time in the hospital?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Rae, if you really like him you should trust him enough to tell him. Isn’t that what a therapist would say?”

The two turned right onto St. Mary’s Road and saw May Cot on the left. “I suppose, just not sure what he would think. I know he likes me, but I don’t know that it’s enough to handle all that stuff, you know?” 

“What do you two talk about then? I mean, I figured you would run out of things after a while. You bloody spend all day together.”

“We find things to talk about. It’s like talking about nothing and everything at the same time.” Rae looked away from Chloe and smiled to herself. 

“Rae, that makes  _no_  sense. Well, I suggest you get it in the bag as soon as possible and wear a fucking bib when it happens. We’re packing up in a few weeks.” 

“That’s disgusting.” Rae turned her head forward again as Chop ran towards them, crossing back over Hobb’s Hill and north on St. Mary’s Road towards the rec fields.

Chloe waved. “Hiya, Chop!”

“Girls! Just dropped Izzy at the tea shop. See you at footie?”

Chloe called after Chop as he passed them, “Absolutely, we’ll be there in a few!” Rae’s head followed Chop and she saw Finn and Archie a few blocks away, waving at them. She made a small wave back before they turned to see Izzy standing in front of May Cot. 

****

Finn looked past Chop jogging towards him and Archie, focusing his gaze on Rae and Chloe turning into May Cot. He couldn’t get the image of Rae standing in the shower out of his head and fixed his eyes on her figure until she disappeared. When Chop was close enough, he gently knocked Finn on the side of the head. “You going to be able to focus for the game? You get things out of your system with Rae-Rae last night?”

“Leave off, Chop!” Finn pulled his head away and turned towards the fields. Archie and Chop followed, quickening their pace. 

Archie took a glance down at his watch. “Game is set to start soon. We’re lucky, we’ll just make it if we hurry.” 

“Yeah, we’re  _real_  lucky.” Finn rolled his eyes. 

Archie’s tone turned defensive, “Hey, it’s not  _my_  fault you signed us up for this. Bad form if three players don’t show up.” 

From behind them, Chop hit Finn on the butt. “So, did you and Rae  _finally_ take care of business last night?”

“It’s not like that. She’s different.”

“Oh, that is the tone of a man who has yet to get in his girl’s pants!” Chop reached up and mussed Finn’s hair. 

“Well, we would have been a lot closer if Archie hadn’t burst in this morning.” Finn pushed Chop’s hand off his head and re-adjusted his fringe. 

Archie shot a narrow-eyed glare at Finn. “Hey, I’ll tell you for free who’s fault this isn’t - Uncle Archie’s! You two taking your sweet time has nothing to do with me! Don’t look so grumpy, Finn. At least you got a sneak peek when you went back upstairs.”

“Shut up, Arch.” Finn hit his friend on the arm. 

Chop’s mouth fell open and turned up at the corners. “Oi, Finn! Share with the class, yeah?!”

“It’s nothing. I forgot something at Chloe’s and ran back by, Rae was in the shower and the bathroom door was open.”

Chop lengthened his stride, putting an arm around Finn’s shoulders. “And?”

“And what? Nothing. She was facing away from me, all I saw was her back.” Finn pushed Chop off of him. 

“Well, that’s disappointing.” Chop looked down to the bag draped over his shoulders. 

“Fuck off. I feel horrible I saw anything. I should have just left. She caught me anyway and called me from the bathroom. Heard me on the fucking stairs, I think. I only told Archie because I wasn’t sure if I should say anything to her about it or just leave it alone.” Finn dropped his head, focusing intently on the road passing beneath his feet. 

“I told him it’s probably fine,” Archie added, giving Finn a sympathetic look.

The three came to the top of the hill on St. Mary’s Road and veered left onto the rec fields. Finn looked up and exhaled a long sigh. 

“Come off it, mate. You’re just being grumpy because you can. Be useful and play a good game, yeah?” Chop pushed past them, jogging towards the other players. 

Archie looked sideways at Finn. “If you almost had your hands down her pants, I don’t think she is going to care if you saw her in the shower.”

Finn turned his head to Archie. “Yeah, I don’t know. It’s hard to read her some of the time. Just when I think I know what’s going on between us it’s like the rules change again. But, it’s not like when girls normally play games. It’s like there’s something else going on she won’t talk about. Things are so easy between us, but then she just…I don’t know, pulls away.” 

“You said you talk more with her than you ever have with a girl. Why don’t you just ask her about it? What  _do_  you two talk about all the time?” 

Finn shrugged. “We talk about when we were kids, our families and friends. We joke about music and what we want to do after uni. Other times we can just be quiet together. It works. Even when we aren’t talking it’s like we’re having a conversation. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like I’ve known her my whole life without knowing her and she gets things about me that no one else does, except for maybe you.” 

As they approached the field, Chop turned back from a discussion with another player. “Our team is skins because the three of us were late and the other team was all here. That is  _your_ fucking fault, Finn!”

Finn rolled his eyes and dropped the bag on his shoulder, pulling his shirt off over his head. “Are we playing or what?” He leaned down to pull out his cleats and sat on the grass to change shoes.

Archie settled next to him, getting ready for the game. “So, do you think Rae wants to have sex with you?”

Finn answered with a flat tone, “Not your fucking business.”

“I know, I know, you said she’s ‘different’. I mean, I’m not asking because I want to know. You only have a few weeks left before we head back to London and you’re not one to take things slowly with girls.”

“Archie, I know how to talk to girls. Maybe for once I’m not in a hurry. If I want your advice again I’ll ask.” He offered his friend a curt smile and stood up. “Come on, let’s play.” Finn ran onto the field, turning back to Archie and motioning for him to follow. He glanced to the road, seeing Rae laugh as the girls rounded the corner.  _We’ll figure it out together._

Finn turned back around and ran faster towards the far end of the field where Chop was waiting with their other teammates. 

****

The closer she got to the field, Rae quickly spotted a shirtless Finn.  _Bloody hell._  She stood staring at him, mouth hanging slightly open. Chloe and Izzy sat on the ground next to her, pulling scones out of a bag and settling down for the game.  _He is delicious._  Finn waved to her from the field as the game started.  _Yup, I’m dead. Leave me here to die._

From beside her, she heard Izzy, “I can’t believe you two haven’t come to see a game yet this summer. The lads are pretty good. I think it’s a good way for Chop to get a lot of energy out. Chop and I wish Archie and Finn lived here year round, they are some of our favorites.” 

Rae sat on the ground next to them, surveying everyone else watching the game before refocusing on the field.  _I bloody hate sports. I do like looking at Finn without a shirt on though, so at least there’s that._ She reached down and picked up her tea.  

Izzy leaned forward, pushing up her rainbow, heart-shaped sunglasses and squinting at Rae. “So why haven’t you two come to a game before this weekend?”

Chloe leaned forward, looking past Izzy at Rae. “Rae  _hates_  sports.” 

“It’s not that I  _hate_  sports, I just had other options. You know, like sleeping.” Rae reached down and tore a few strands of grass out of the ground with her free hand, playing with them between her fingers. 

Izzy rocked sideways, bumping Rae’s shoulder. “Well, now you’ve got a really good reason to watch. Not too shabby, eh?” She nodded her head towards Finn. 

Rae tried to sound nonchalant, “I suppose.”

The three refocused on the game. Rae didn’t follow the score, but watching the muscles in Finn’s legs and torso work as he ran was enough to keep her attention.  _Looking at him is like looking at porn._   _I could do this all day. And the way I feel when we talk…God. He is perfection._

Chloe threw a balled up piece of paper at Rae. “Told you - bib!”

Rae rolled her eyes, picking up the paper and throwing it back at Chloe. “Told you -  _disgusting_!”

An hour later, the girls sat in a circle talking while the lads packed up their gear. As she laughed, a shadow fell over Rae.  _Finn_. She reached back, wrapping her arms around his legs, playfully pushing her weight into them.  _I could spend forever being with him like this._  

Finn reached down and gathered her hair in his hands, pulling it over her head and letting it fall around her face before leaning over so his upside-down face was in front of hers. “You ready?”

“Only if you are.” Finn reached forward and tapped her nose. 

“Dickhead.” She tapped his nose in return and squinted her eyes. 

"That’s fit dickhead to you." He pecked her lips. 

“Finn, I can nearly see up your shorts. Straighten up, yeah? Have some respect for yourself!” Archie started up to the road as everyone stood to head home. Chloe, Izzy and Chop made their way to catch up with him, while Finn grabbed Rae’s hand and held her back.

“Hey, you alright?”

“Yeah, why?” Rae studied Finn’s face.  _Shit. What did I do?_

“I just mean, from this morning. Are we alright?” Finn intently focused on her features.

She answered hesitantly, “Yeah.” 

“We started something, but we haven’t talked about it yet. So, you know, I wanted to make sure you were alright.” Finn’s eyebrows raised slightly.

“I don’t…um.” Rae’s eyes drifted over Finn’s shoulder, focusing on trees in the distance.  _I just need to be normal. Normal girls would be thankful to have sex with Finn. Don’t be weird. You want this. He wants this._

“Rae?” Finn shifted his weight, moving his head into her field of vision. 

“Yeah, sorry…um. Yeah, I’m alright.” Rae nodded her head at Finn and offered a tight-lipped smile.

“Rae, what’s going on in your head?” Finn looked concerned.

“Nothing. ” 

Finn squinted at her. “Sure?”

“Nothing, I promise. Like I said last night, I just want more time together. So you’re in charge of slowing everything down since it’s what you’re good at. Let’s go, yeah?” Rae pulled on Finn’s hand, encouraging him to follow the gang. He gave a reassuring smile and squeezed her hand. 

Rae forcefully pushed the nail of her thumb into the tip of her index finger on her free hand, driving a sharp pain into her skin and up the nail bed. 

_1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10._

_———————————————_

**Chapter Nine**

Days melted into each other as the Finn and Rae found a rhythm for spending as much time together as possible, the weeks passing faster than Finn chose to notice. They stole moments at Heart, with the gang, and all the times in-between. Exchanging glances, talking, joking with each other, and kissing.  _It’s like we’ve had a lifetime together, but I don’t want it to end_.

They talked about everything, but Finn knew that wasn’t entirely true. Rae avoided talking about college in her hometown and changed the subject when he mentioned summer ending. Finn was good at ignoring some realities in his life, but it was getting harder to ignore the ones Rae didn’t want to talk about. He focused on being content to spend time with her without any specific agendas, confident they had an endless amount of time together in the future.  _A future. It’s the first time I’ve even considered having a future with a girl. Not just any girl. Her. Rae._

His eyes closed, the late summer sun on Finn’s face, Rae shifted under his legs, which draped across hers while they lay on the grass. He heard the gang’s inaudible voices as they played frisbee near by.

“What are ya thinking about, girl?”

“I’m thinking about how I’m going to tell you you smell of B.O.” 

“I’m sure you’ll find something to say.” Dropping his head towards Rae, Finn looked at her. “Come on. What’s going on up there?”

“Oh, I was just thinking about how cute you look when you’re focused on something at work. It’s a nice picture.” Her hand rested on his stomach and the familiarity of it made him smile.

Finn laughed, “Yeah?”

“Don’t take a smug tone. You’re not half as cute as you think you are.” She opened her eyes, letting her head roll sideways toward his.

“Right, I’m only as cute as  _you_  think I am. Hey, since today is our last at Heart we should do something special tonight. Archie’s family party is tomorrow and then everyone is heading out of town, I figure it’s our last chance to really spend time together.” 

Rae’s mouth turned down at the corners. “Don’t remind me.”

“Why?”

“Finn. Are you serious?”

“What?”

“You are oblivious.” She pulled at the hem of his shirt, looking deep in thought.  

“Ok, what am I oblivious about?”

Rae sat up, pulling her legs from under his and spinning on her tailbone to face him. “Finn, the summer’s ending. We only have a a few days left in Croyde. Archie’s party is like this _thing_  that just keeps reminding me everything is ending. Why doesn’t it bother you?”

Finn groaned as she repositioned herself and looked back at the sky before closing his eyes. “Just not thinking about it. I want to think about the things I’m looking forward to - spending time with you, laughing with the gang, Archie’s party.” He reached over and grabbed Rae’s arms, pulling her forward toward his chest. “You ready to talk about leaving Croyde?”

“Nope.” Rae rested her head on his stomach and stretched her legs out. 

“Ok then, we’ll sort things out later. I’ll have an empty while Archie and his parents go out for their end-of-summer family dinner tonight. I was thinking about having an exclusive sleep over. You interested?”

Rae put a hand over her eyes to block out the sun, peaking at Finn through her index and middle finger. “How exclusive?”

“Well, I was just thinking about inviting one person.” He gave her sly grin. Finn avoided pushing the topic of sex with Rae since the weekend of Chloe’s sleepover, but was hopeful tonight would be the right time. 

“Mmmm. You better have some new records to show me.” 

Finn laughed, “Stop staring at me, it freaks me out.” 

“It’s your fault, you’re the one who pulled me down here and it’s either looking at you or the sun. You’re right though, I can barely stand you, so might as well stare at the sun and go blind.” 

“Oh, you’re funny now, eh?” He sat up and tickled her. “Say you’re sorry.” 

Rae struggled to speak through her laughter, “I’m…not…sorry.”

“Are you sure?” Finn rolled on top and straddled her.

“Never. I don’t give up, ever.” 

Finn leaned forward, kissing her. “Exactly, just another thing to like about you. I count on you never giving up.” His hands rested on either side of her head and he stared into her eyes. “One on a long list of things.” He glanced briefly at the gang, Archie approaching them. 

Finn looked back at Rae, the tips of Archie’s shoes appearing next to his hand. “Seriously, you two just need to have sex, because watching this foreplay stuff for weeks on end has been ridiculous.”

“Mmmmm.” Rae reached up and tapped the end of Finn’s nose. “Alright you, off. You need to get back to Heart before Kester kills us. I think our lunch was over ten minutes ago.”

Finn rolled off her and Archie reached down to help his friend up. Standing, Finn grabbed Rae’s hand and pulled her up to face him. “What’s Kester going to do, fire us? It’s our last day.” 

“You already know he loves you, I still need to make sure he wants me to come back next year.” Rae shoved Finn playfully. 

“Alright then, we’d better be off. See you laters, Archie. You’ll be out with the parents tonight?”

“Yeah, probably until late. They want to go into Braunton for dinner at Royal Bengal.” Archie rolled his eyes. “I hate Indian food.” 

“Your life is real tough, Arch. Sorry, mate.” Finn reached over, patting Archie on the shoulder with a mocking grin. 

Archie squinted at his friend. “Real nice, Finn.” 

“You’ll enjoy it. Don’t hurry home.” 

Finn took Rae’s hand and lead them towards Heart, turning to wave at Archie.

****

Rae followed Finn into Heart. He dropped her hand as they entered the reception area.  _This is the last time I’ll be at Heart, maybe ever. The last time he’ll hold my hand walking to work._

Finn headed to his desk, turning just long enough to whisper, “Back on good behavior, girl.” 

Rae hesitated, before heading to Kester’s office. Her boss was sitting inside, shuffling through a stack of papers. Leaning on the doorframe, Rae watched him for a moment before gently knocking. He looked up at her smiling. “Hi, Rae.” 

“Hi, Kester. I wanted to check in with you before the end of today. Figured Finn and I would mostly be packing up and closing things out this afternoon, but wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything extra I could do for the team.”

“Come on in, let’s have a proper chat. I was going to catch you before the end of today, but now’s as good of a time as any other.” 

Rae stepped into the office, closing the door behind her before settling into a chair in front of his desk. Kester reminded Rae of the therapist she saw in Lincolnshire, even his office. The generic art on the walls, the industrial-issued chairs, the disorganized desk, and the occasional plant she was certain he had been given as a gift. Even though she hadn’t spent an extensive amount of time talking to him, it was oddly comforting when she did. Rae relaxed into a chair, pushing as far back as she could on the balls of her feet.

The skin around Kester’s eyes crinkled as his smile warmed. “You’ve done a great job this summer, Rae. I really appreciate all your work.” 

“Thank you. This opportunity has been brilliant.” 

“Well, I know there were times I was hard on you and Finn, but it was because I wanted to ensure you two really got the most out of your experience. You didn’t disappoint me.” 

Rae laughed, “There were days we both found you intensely irritating, but that was just us being kids. It was good to have someone pushing us to be more professional. I am ahead of the game going into my first year at uni and I have you to thank for that.” 

“It’s what I live for - helping people get started in the industry. Heart may be small, but I have stayed here because it gives me the chance to work with people who would normally get lost in the shuffle at a bigger station. Have you thought about what things will be like when you move to London?”

“I’ll have my classes, of course. There’s an on-campus radio station and I’ll try to do some work there. I’m also thinking about seeing if there are any mentorship programs at one of the bigger stations in London, just to get my foot in the door. Figure if I stay focused from the start my odds are better.” 

“I’m glad to hear it. You and Finn have the same drive, so I think working together has been a good fit for you two. Do you plan on staying touch?”

_Shit. I don’t know. If we talk about it, that means Finn can say no._ “Um, I’m not sure.” 

“You should try, I think it would be helpful for both of you to have someone you can really talk to about getting started in your careers. Of course, I want you to come back next summer if you end up in Croyde. You just say in touch with me, yeah?”

“I will. Thank you, if it works out I would love to come back next summer.” 

“When are you leaving town?”

“Monday. Archie’s family party is tomorrow and that will leave Sunday for packing up. I can’t believe the summer is over.” 

“If I may, let me tell you something important. Time only goes faster the older you get, it never slows down again like when you’re a kid.”

“That scares me. How do people handle all the things about being an adult?”

“Rae, the reality is you just get more familiar with things because you have more experiences and you keep trying to do it better. There is no magic moment you’re an adult, you build skills over time and do the best you can. Feeling like you don’t know how to handle all of it is normal though. I’m much older than you and I still feel that way at times. It’s important you keep trying and take care of those around you. I saw you do that this summer, so I’m pretty confident you’re going to be alright.” 

“That’s comforting to hear. I don’t know anyone who’s tried to make it in this industry, so it’s meant a lot having Heart as my first job.”

“If I can ever do anything for you, you just let me know. Alright then, get out there and finish up. Have some fun this weekend, but don’t get into any trouble.” Kester stood, crossing his office to open the door. Rae followed and he put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “Be good, yeah?” 

Rae looked down to the floor, nodding. She left his office, following the familiar path to her desk.  _My desk._ She sat in her chair, placing her fingers on the edge of the wood and pushing back slightly, studying the worn edges.  _How many people sat here? This has been my first radio desk, my first work place, the first place I really saw myself as really capable._ Rae’s thoughts drifted and her eyes surveyed the office, passing over the radio booth, the conference room, and the rows of desks. In her mind, Rae saw all the moments she shared with Finn. Laughing in the booth, kissing in the conference room, him pulling on her hair playfully, her pinching him, them debating music with Danny, Finn brushing her hand, and the way his eyes followed her at times. T _he first place I fell in love._ Her attention snapped back and she blinked her eyes rapidly.  _Shit. Love? Did I just think that? Rae, stop. The summer’s ending, there’s no way Finn will want to be with you in London. You’re going to get hurt._

“Rae…Rae?” Finn stood in front of her. “Hey, you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry.” Rae shook her head.

“Where’d you go?” He tilted his head to the side, looking at her intently.

“Nowhere, just sad to say good-bye.” 

“I finished up and closed my stuff out with Kester. I’m calling it a day. I need to run some errands, but you’ll come round mine tonight at seven?”

Rae nodded, a knot forming in her stomach. “Yeah, seven.” He turned, Rae watched him grab the bag off his desk and leave the office.  _This summer has been so perfect. It’s all ending._ Rae let out a slow, shaky breath. 

Rae stayed at Heart until after six, avoiding opportunities to leave early. She carried on long conversations with each of her co-workers, saying extended good-byes until everyone left for the day. She was the last to leave with Kester as he locked the office door, giving her a handshake and wishing her well in the car park. Rae looked up Croyde Road, unsure what waited for her at Archie’s house. She stood for a moment, turning her head to the sky and watching seagulls fly overhead.  _How did it all go so fast? When we’re together I can forget how much it will hurt when this is all over, but then I’m alone again and I remember._ She shut her eyes tightly, holding back tears.  _I need a drink. Fucking hell, I need a bottle._

****

Finn kept re-arranging the flowers he bought. He moved them from the kitchen, to his room, to the living room, and finally back to the kitchen.  _Fuck, how do you put flowers out?_ Standing in the kitchen, he nervously checked his watch.  _Five past seven._  Finn put a wedge of cheese on the counter and cut off slices, placing them on a plate half filled with crackers. _What the fuck are you doing? This is ridiculous_. He looked down at the plate with a scowl. _Fruit. Fucking fruit. Isn’t that what would normally go on a plate like this? Fucking hell. I should have asked Archie’s mum, she was the one who told me to get flowers and cheese._ There was a knock and Finn grinned, making his way to the door. Reaching for the handle, he bit his bottom lip and pulled it open. Rae was standing on the other side, holding a bottle of vodka. “Come on in.” He waved her through the door, closing it as she stepped inside. He lead her to the kitchen, going to the fridge and picking up a bundle of grapes. 

He heard Rae laugh nervously from behind him before saying, “What is this? Was getting cheese one of the errands you had to run earlier?”

Finn stood up, turning around with a sheepish smile. “Um, yeah.” He scratched his head, looking at the plate of cheese while grapes dangled from his other hand. 

Rae reached down, taking them from his hand. “Why cheese? Seems formal.”

“Cheese and flowers.” His eyes shot to the stems arranged in a vase on the counter. 

“And flowers…” Rae trailed off. 

“We have the house to ourselves. So, I don’t know, I just thought…” Finn looked away from Rae.  _Shit. Do I spell this out? We need to talk tonight and sort out moving to London. I want to settle things between us so she’s my proper girlfriend. God, I hope it ends in sex. I can’t say that. Whatever you do, don’t say that._  “…it would make things nice.”

Rae set the grapes down on the counter, shifting herself away from Finn. “Nice.” 

“Why do you keep repeating me?”

“What?”

He laughed, “You keep repeating what I’m saying. Why?” 

Rae’s features turned down and her brow scrunched. “I don’t know.” 

Finn stepped towards her. “You finally ready to talk about moving on from Croyde?”

“Suppose, I thought we might just talk about music or something tonight. You know, have a good time. Makes sense we get this over with though.” 

“Can’t put it off forever. Things are going to change, there’s no getting away from that.”

Rae inhaled sharply. Before she could say anything, Finn leaned in and gently touched their lips. He took the bottle from her hands, setting it on the counter behind her. His hands snaked up her back and into her hair, pulling Rae closer. Moisture spread across his cheek. Finn pulled back to see tears streaming down Rae’s face. Her features were full of pain. He slide a hand from behind her head, running his thumb along her cheek and wiping away a trail of moisture. “Rae, what’s wrong?”  _What did I do? What’s happening?_

“Finn, you can’t ask me if I’m ready to talk and then do that. It’s cruel.”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t act oblivious, you know exactly what I mean.” Rae averted her eyes from his.

“I’m not acting. What’s going on?”

“Ok, you want to talk, let’s talk. We might as well rip it off like a band-aid. I kept thinking we would have more time, but there’s just not enough.” She stepped sideways, moving away and putting a few feet between them. He looked her over. She pressed the nails on her thumbs into her forefingers on both hands as she continued, “I already know what’s coming. We should just go back to being friends. We’ll maybe run into each other in London and that’ll be fine.” 

_What the fuck is she saying?_

“Rae - ” 

She cut him off, “I’m not daft.”

_Where is this coming from? WHAT is happening?_

“Rae, I don’t understand.”

She shook her head. “I thought I could come here and have a nice night, say good-bye and just let things go. I can’t. It hurts too much.”

“Rae, what did I do?”

“Finn.” Rae pursed her lips, holding back more tears. She looked wounded, reminding him of the night she found Chloe.  _What did this? Who did this?_

“Rae, stop.”

“You would have done it and this way I’ve taken care of it for us. I told you, I’ve known since the night in my room there was no way someone like you would want to be with someone like me if we weren’t in this town. I was just stupid enough to give myself a few weeks of knowing what it would be like to be with you.” His eyes glanced down to her hands, thumb nails working deeper into the tips of her index fingers.

He stepped toward her.  _She is making no sense._ “Rae, slow down, you’re being crazy. Why do you keep doing that with your hands?”

Her eyes shot to his, making contact for the first time since before they kissed, her jaw tightening. “Don’t call me that.” 

“I didn’t call you anything.” 

“NEVER call me that.” 

“What?”  _Why is everything I’m saying making this worse?_

Rae stilled for a moment, anger taking over her face. “I am  _not_  crazy.” 

“Tell me  _anything_  that will make sense out of what’s happening right now.” 

“You said it yourself - the summer is ending, what comes after? You being nice, buying flowers and cheese won’t make it any easier to hear you don’t want to be with me anymore after tomorrow.”

Finn stared at her, lost for words and searching her face.  _Wait. She’s serious._ His heart beat faster, panic taking over.  _What do I do? How do I stop this? Is this how she really feels?_

Rae nodded, looking down to the floor. She paused momentarily, then started for the front door. Finn didn’t realize she was gone until he heard it close. He turned on his heels, leaning forward and gripping the edge of the counter. “What the FUCK?” He clenched his eyes closed, taking slow, deliberate breaths.  _I don’t…I can’t…what should…she can’t have meant that. Who said something to her? What happened? Who made her think I didn’t want to be with her? She’s what I want. Fuck. I love her._ Finn stood, grabbing the vodka from the counter and heading to his room, taking the stairs two at a time as he mumbled, “Get yourself fucking sorted, Finn.” 

****

Rae closed the door to her room, leaning against it and sliding down to the floor. She leaned into her knees, her body rocking with sobs.  _I had to be strong. I had to do it for myself. I could never live knowing he didn’t want me. Fuck. I have to figure out how to go back to being alone. Fuck._  

A soft knock sounded on the door above her head, followed by Chloe’s voice, “Rae?”

Rae lifted her head, wiping away tears streaming down her cheeks. She steadied her voice, “Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

“Not now, Chloe.”

“Rae, let me in.” Rae stood, opening the door. Chloe’s face was filled with concern. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.” 

“No you’re not, what’s happened? I thought you were off to Finn’s.”

“I went. We ended it.” Rae slid back onto the floor next to her bed, leaning her head against the mattress. 

“What do you mean you ended it?” 

“We broke up, Chloe.” 

“That makes no sense. Finn broke up with you?”

“No, I broke up with him before he could do it tomorrow or whenever he planned on it.” Rae sniffled, pulling the neck of her shirt up and wiping her cheeks.

“Rae, what did Finn say?”

“Nothing.” 

Chloe slid down and sat next to her friend. “But I saw you two this morning, you were flirting and acting normal. I don’t understand what happened.” 

“God, why is everyone acting so shocked. He would never be with someone like me outside of this town. I would never be able to look at him again if he broke up with me. It’ll hurt less this way.” 

“Rae, what do you mean ‘everyone’?”

"You and Finn. You’re both acting surprised."

Chloe studied Rae’s face for a moment. “How do you know Finn was going to break up with you?”

Rae let out a loud sigh, shaking her head. “Of course he was going to break up with me, Chloe. Look at him and look at me.”

“Did you ever tell him about Lincolnshire and the hospital?”

“Why would I have done that?”

“Oh, Rae. This isn’t who you are now, this is who you were years ago. Why did you do this?”

Rae turned to look at Chloe, her tone defensive, “Do what?”

“He wasn’t going to break up with you. Think about it. Fuck, Archie told me he was excited to be alone with you tonight so you could talk about your future in London  _together_. Rae, what have you done?”

_She’s fucking lying._  “That’s not what he was going to talk to me about, Chloe.” 

“Why would Archie tell me that if it weren’t true? Just exactly what the  _fuck_  have you two been talking about the past few weeks? How did you get it in your head he wouldn’t want to be with you?”

“We talked about everything but this, I would never let us. I didn’t need to talk about it, I put the pieces together. You even said it - what does he like about me? It doesn’t make sense.” 

“Fuck, Rae.” Chloe put her head in her hands. “You need to go back and talk to him. You said he was surprised, right? So maybe that means he didn’t agree with you?”

Rae stared at Chloe.

“Did you give him a chance at all?”

She didn’t respond.  

“Fuck, have you talked to anybody about what’s going on in your head?”

“No.” 

“Rae, go back and talk to him properly. He deserves that much, and so do you. Don’t be so afraid of getting hurt that you don’t give him a chance.”

Rae narrowed her eyes. 

“Don’t do this, Rae. Don’t shut me out. You’re not alone. Remember when you found me? You didn’t want me to hurt myself anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt yourself like this. What you’re doing - this is you hurting yourself because you’re afraid. If that’s what you want, be strong enough to admit it. If it’s not, then be strong enough to properly deal with Finn. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. The way you’re feeling right now, it’s scary because you haven’t done this before with a boy. But it’s not just any boy, Rae - it’s Finn.”

Rae wouldn’t let herself move.  _I don’t know if I’m strong enough. What if she’s wrong? What if I’m wrong?_  

Chloe sat with Rae for a few minutes, then stood to leave. She turned around at the door, looking down. “You wouldn’t let me get away with hurting myself. I’m not going to let you either. If you don’t talk to him, then I will. Think about it.” She left the door open and Rae heard her footsteps down the stairs, then the water turning on in the kitchen. Rae blinked. _What if Finn didn’t want to break up with you? What if this has all fucking been in your head? I just want to tell him that I need him and I want him. What if he doesn’t feel the same way?_ Tears welled in the corners of her eyes. Rae stood, closing the door and lay down on her bed. She hugged her chest, turning on her side and staring at the wallpaper.  _He got me roses. There were roses in the vase. What the fuck are you doing?_ Tears fell onto the pillow as she lulled herself to sleep.

Rae woke, rolling over to look at the clock and staring at the time, twelve-thirty AM. Her brain and body were exhausted. She recounted that Friday trying to make sense of her actions, her thoughts pausing on what Kester said about being an adult. _I’ve never done this before, I don’t know how to hold onto Finn. I know how to let go of people and things, I’ve done that so many times before. Maybe Chloe was right, it’s scary because I’ve never done this before. Maybe Kester was right and it will get easier. Fuck, I don’t know. I was honest with Finn once before and told him everything in my head, maybe I can do it again._  

The house was quiet and sky dark, with lines of moonlight filtering in through the curtains. She sat up, turning on the lamp and pulling open the drawer in the table by her bed, lifting her diary out. Rae flipped to the page in the middle, grabbing a pen and quickly adding a note to the bottom. She closed the diary, keeping it in her hand, stood and set the pen down. Opening her bedroom door, she quickly tip-toed across the hall, peaking her head into Chloe’s room. Her friend was asleep. She made her way downstairs and silently outside. She briskly headed to Archie’s house. 

****

Finn couldn’t sleep. He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours trying to make sense of what happened with Rae. The sun set, Archie and his parents came home and went to bed, everything grew quiet. He took stock of every part of the summer, trying to find a moment that could have lead to what Rae said hours before. He couldn’t think of a single reason she would break up with him.  _None of it makes sense. None of it._  He sat up, grabbing his cigarette tin and heading to the garden.  _I need air._

He sat outside, pulling a cigarette from the tin in his hand and lighting it. Inhaling slowly, he tilted his head back and looked at the stars.  _I’m so tired._  Smoke floated up above his mouth, creating a filter across the sky. He focused his eyes, trying to make out constellations as smoke drifted in different directions.

Suddenly he heard rustling at the front of the house followed by a soft voice, “Shit!” 

Finn tilted his head forward, searching the dark for a familiar shape. “Rae?” He stood, slowly stepping towards the noise, dropping his cigarette and rubbing it with the toe of his shoe. Everything was quiet. “Rae.”

“Finn.” 

He found her, standing by the front door. “What are you doing?”

“I tripped. I didn’t think you’d be awake, so was just leaving something for you.”

“We need to talk.” He opened the door. Something leaning against it fell on the floor, bending over to pick it up he quickly straightened and flipped on the hall light motioning for Rae to enter. 

He looked down to the book in his hands. “What is this?”

“It’s my diary. Read it.”

“I don’t want to read anything. I want to talk.”

“Read it first. I’ll wait, If you still want to talk I’ll be here. If you don’t, then I’ll go.” 

Finn shook his head, looking down and flipping open Rae’s diary.  _It’s blank._  He looked back to her, furrowing his brows.

She encouraged him, “Keep going, halfway through.” 

He flipped forward, finding a single page covered in writing.

_Finn - I heard you for the first time yesterday afternoon outside the train station, I met you yesterday evening and today I talked to you. I’ve never known someone like you before. I don’t know why, but something tells me you’re going to matter in my life. It’s the silliest thing, I’m being silly. I’m going to see you everyday at Heart and clearly we’ll have the same friends, so there’s that obvious bit. But something else I can’t figure out is nagging me about you. God, you’re such an annoying grump. You just walked away from me and here I am like an idiot wasting time so it doesn’t look like I’m following you. So, I decided to write you a letter you’ll never read because if I can get this feeling out maybe it will go away. I’m even starting it in the middle of this blank diary, because I don’t think we’re starting at the beginning - I think we just met in the middle of each other’s stories. It doesn’t make sense, I know that. I’m mad, properly mad. That’s why I hurt myself, that’s why I was in the hospital, that’s why I wanted to get away from Lincolnshire. It only stands to reason that I would make up feelings about someone like you. I think you might be different though, maybe you’ll understand. You’ll never know all of it, but I don’t think it matters. I don’t want it to matter. The only place all this will ever live is here, in this diary - never between us. Thank God for that, because I might not be able to handle it._

His eyes moved to a note in the margin, 

_You held me last night. It’s the first time I’ve ever been held by someone like that. Thank you. I’m scared about how good this feels, I’ve never been this happy because of someone else. Please don’t hurt me._

At the bottom, a few sentences were misaligned with the others,

_Please forgive me. I’m scared. I’ve never felt this way about someone before and I could only think you would never feel the same. I want to believe you do. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt myself again. I want you to know the things I’m afraid to say out loud. - Rae_

Finn lifted his eyes to her, closing the diary. “Rae…”

———————————————  

**Chapter Ten**

“Rae…” Finn studied her a few moments. “Come on. Let’s go to the kitchen, don’t want to wake Archie or his parents.” He motioned for her to follow him, flipping off the hall light on their way. 

In the kitchen, Finn turned on the light and leaned against the counter. Rae stood across from him, pressing her hip into the butcher block island a few feet away. Leaning forward, he placed the diary next to her before slumping backwards, crossing his arms over his chest. He nodded his head forward. “I don’t know what  _that_  means.” 

Rae looked around the room uncomfortably. “I needed to do something and I couldn’t wait until morning. I had to tell you anything to try and undo before, even if you were asleep. I talk to you in my head all the time and I had to get some of it out.”

_You have got to tell me something that makes sense._ “Why didn’t you talk to me earlier? You left me.” 

“Since the sleepover at Chloe’s I’ve tried to convince myself you could like me as much as I like you. It’s never made sense though and with summer ending the only thing that did was breaking up, not because I wanted to but because…how could you want to be with me in London?” Rae finally settled her eyes on Finn’s. 

_What is she talking about?_ “Why wouldn’t I want to be with you?” 

“Finn, you should date girls like Chloe. People will look at us together and think you’re mad. It’s embarrassing to be next to you, I’m embarrassed  _for_  you.”

Finn furrowed his brow, exhaling sharply and looking to the side. “That makes no sense, I don’t care what other people think.”

Rae nodded. “You don’t now, but you will.”

_Fucking hell, does she think that little of me?_ He shook his head.“I won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I do.”

Finn watched Rae consider for a moment before she spoke again. “Chloe asked me earlier this summer if she and I would be friends at uni in the Fall. I told her I didn’t know, but I was her friend now. Finn, it’s the same with us, you don’t know what’s going to happen.”  

_No one fucking knows what’s going to happen._ “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know myself. What other people think doesn’t matter. I’ve never cared about someone the way I care about you. Nobody gets to tell me who I can and can’t fancy, not even you.” Finn pointed to himself, shaking his head. “That’s mine and mine alone.”  

Rae sharply drew in a breath. He watched her chest expand and shoulders tighten. “I want to believe that.”

_What does she need to hear?_ “I’ve talked more to you this summer than I’ve ever talked to anyone my entire life all together. I’ve used up all the words I have. You have to know how I feel about you.”

“No, I don’t.”

_Yes, you do._ “What do you mean?”

“Finn, you haven’t told me how you feel about me. You say things like you’ve never cared about someone like you do about me, but I don’t know what that means.”

_Neither of us is saying anything that matters, we’re fucking talking in circles. Back to dancing like fucking kids._ “Well, I can say the same to you. You said you talk to me in your head all time, but I know there are things you’re not telling me. I’m not in your head. What was that bit about hurting yourself and the hospital?” Finn pointed to the diary next to her. 

Rae nodded. “Chloe’s right, it’s only fair I tell you the truth.” Finn looked down to her hands as Rae spread her fingers, not allowing them to touch. “In college I was admitted to a mental home because I kept trying to hurt myself. I’m actually mad. I said it before to you, but it’s true. I do weird things like I turn light switches on and off in divisions of eight, I’ve cut myself, um, I burn myself with hot water…well I used to…and I have a really funny relationship with food. I used to keep a diary and write in it everyday, but I stopped.” She put a hand on the diary. “Writing in this one after my first day at Heart was the first time I’d done an entry in almost a year. Then our first night together, I added to it and again tonight. I don’t know why I wanted to write in those moments, but I had to get the thoughts out of my head. I’ve gotten good at managing, but with you it’s all stuff I don’t know how to manage. It scares me. I don’t know why you like me, it doesn’t make sense. I like you more than anyone I’ve ever known. I told you, I want more time with you. I want more of you.”

_Rae. Why would you ever hurt yourself?_ Finn stepped forward, reaching down to her hand with outstretched fingers resting on her leg. “Rae…” He tasted tobacco as he spoke.

“It’s ok, I understand if it’s too much and you want to end it.” 

_Stop._ “Why do you do that?”

“What?”

“You’re answering for me, making a decision for me. Let me think for two seconds.” Finn paused, pulling at her fingers and studying her hand before looking into Rae’s eyes. “You’re alright now though, are ya?”

“Yeah, I’m better.” 

“Alright then.”

“Not  _alright_ , because those will be things about me for the rest of my life. I may be better right now, but that doesn’t mean they’ve gone away.”

“Rae, everyone has to struggle and fight. Everyone’s crazy, they just haven’t realized it yet, at least you have. You’re strong, you know who you are and you don’t give up. I told you that yesterday morning…” Finn hesitated.  _Say it, just say it._ "It’s something I love about you.” _There._

Rae’s eyes widened. “Did you say  _love_?”

Finn paused.  _It’s now or never. Let her end it or it’ll work out if you say everything._  “Aye, I did. Maybe that’s a word I haven’t said, but it’s been in my head since the night at Chloe’s in your room. I love you, Rae. People’s opinions, being crazy, talking, moving to London - nothing’s going to change it. If you break up with me tomorrow, it doesn’t mean a part of me won’t love you. I think I loved you from the moment we were in the record shops on our date. For the first time in my life, I found someone who understands parts of me I never talk about. And I love all of you. I don’t want to let that go. See, now I’ve said more than I ever thought I could say to another person. It’s because I’m not saying it to just anyone, I’m saying it to you.  _You_.” He leaned forward, cupping Rae’s jaw. “Does that let you know how I feel?”

Rae’s eyes were wide and lips pressed together. “It does.”

Finn’s heart beat faster.  _Ok. Just relax._ He swallowed hard. “Your turn to tell me what’s in your head.” 

“I love you, Finn.” She closed the distance between their lips, gently pulling his upper one between hers. He pulled her bottom lip between his, before opening his mouth so their tongues could meet. She moved her hands to his shirt, tightening it around his back as she gathered material from the front in her hand, pulling him closer. He brought a hand to the side of her face, running his fingers along her ear.  

Finn pulled away from Rae, touching their foreheads together. “I say all that and you respond with ‘I love you’. Thought I was the one in charge of slowing things down.”

“Maybe we can both be in charge of that when the other one needs it.” He watched her lips part as she smiled. 

_Aye, we can._ “So, we’re agreed. We want to be in this together and we need to tell each other what we’re thinking. We’ll stop being dickheads?”

“Together, dickhead.” Rae stood straight, tapping Finn on the nose. 

“Alright then, it’s settled. I’m knackered.” He tilted his head towards the stairs, raising his eyebrows. 

“Yeah, I don’t think talking anymore is a good idea.” 

Finn picked up the diary in one hand and took Rae by the other, leading her up the stairs. _We’re doing this together._ Listening to her footsteps behind him, Finn couldn’t stop smiling.  _It was worth waiting for us to talk like that. Thank God she came back._

****

Rae rolled sideways, eyes opening to see Finn, who was on his stomach with one arm stretched above his head and the other draped over her abdomen. Bright sunlight streamed through the windows. Rae stopped herself from squealing with excitement.  _Last night happened. This is real. This is my life. I survived and it was…really good. I mean, I don’t have a comparison, but we’re both still here. I’d like to do it again. Do I ask? Does it just happen? Damnit, this is something else I’ll have to practice._ She studied his face - the subtle scar on his cheek, the lines around his mouth, the freckles across the bridge of his nose. Pulling the sheet up, she looked down at Finn’s naked body and quickly glanced at her exposed breasts.  _Holy fuck._ _  
_

Finn mumbled close to her forehead,“Can I stare at them too?” 

“What?” Rae pulled her head up quickly, hitting him hard on the nose. 

“Shit!” Finn rolled onto his side laughing, covering it with the hand that had been resting over her. 

_You fucking assaulted him!_ Rae pulled the sheet up, propping herself on an elbow. “I’m so sorry! Oh God, are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m ok. But, instead of being sorry, can I get a free pass to look at your knockers?”

“Finn!” Rae pinched one of his nipples. 

“Oi! I told you on our first date, I’m delicate. If you get to pinch me like that, then it’s only fair I get to do the same to you.” He pushed Rae onto her back, leaning over with his forearms on either side of her head. “So, you alright?” 

_Just relax. It’s ok, he wanted you._ Rae looked into his eyes, waiting a few beats and allowing her mind to drift. “Yeah, I’m better than alright.” She ran her hands up his back, tracing the muscles along his ribcage and shoulders, suppressing a smile. 

“Mmmm, are you really?” Finn kissed her. 

Rae’s body tensed.  _Shit, just relax. Remember looking into his eyes._ Her heart sped up and she breathed faster through her nose trying to get more air into her lungs. Finn stopped, giving her a questioning look.  _Be normal._

“What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing, I’m ok.” 

“You’re not.” 

Rae hesitated, focusing on how she could distinguish the dark brown irises from the pupils of his eyes.  _You have to say something. Finn is literally laying on top of you, there is no way out of this._

“Rae? Remember, we have to tell each other what’s going on in our heads. That was the deal.” 

_Just like Kester said, the more you do it the easier it will get. Do it. Just ask him._  “Was I disappointing?”

Finn pulled his head back slightly. “What?”

“I just, I doubt I look like other girls you’ve dated and I didn’t know if it was a surprise or whatever.” Rae picked a spot on the ceiling behind Finn’s head, shifting her gaze to focus on it and waiting for him to answer.  _1…2…3…4…5…_

“Rae, your body is exactly what I hoped for.” 

She looked back at him, furrowing her brow. “You don’t have to say that because you feel sorry for me.” 

“I’m not saying it because I feel sorry for you, I’m saying it because I want to. It’s true.” 

“How could it be what you were hoping for? I’m fat.” 

Finn ran his fingers through her hair. “Rae, you calling yourself fat, I don’t like that. It’s not how I see you. Clothes don’t change your body. I had a pretty good idea of what was under them before last night. I’ve seen you everyday this summer in different outfits, in a wet suit when we went surfing, then in the shower…”

_Are you kidding me?_ “In the  _what_?” 

“Oh shit, I was never going to bring that up.” He let his head drop into her shoulder. “Fuck, sorry.” 

“ _What_  was the last one?” 

“Remember the morning after our first night together at Chloe’s when you heard me outside the bathroom? Well, I  _might_  have seen some of your bits.” He picked his head up to look at her, scrunching his nose and forehead together.

_Holy fuck. He’s known what I look like naked this whole time?_ “ _What_  did you see?”

“Enough, well, not really. I mean I saw your back, arse and the side of you as you turned around. Felt like shit about it.”

“Fuck, Finn.” Rae raised both her hands, putting them over her eyes while her entire body flushed red hot.

“Well, I mean, it’s all sorted now, yeah? I’m sorry, Rae. I didn’t mean to see you then. But, you know, it gave me plenty to look forward to if that means anything. I never would have said anything to anyone about it, I’m so sorry.” He paused. Rae left her hands over her eyes. _This is good, isn’t it? He pretty much knew what you would look like before last night and he was still interested. Ok, you can do this, you can do this…_  

Finn interrupted her thoughts, “Good to know when you blush it’s not just on your cheeks.”  

Rae moved her hands, seeing Finn staring at her breasts. “You cheeky bastard!” 

He laughed. “We alright?”

“Yeah, just have to get used to someone seeing me naked. Before you it was only my mum and doctors.” 

“Something we can work on.” He gave her a wide grin. 

Archie banged on Finn’s door. “Mate, you up?!”

Finn didn’t move. “Not now, Arch.” 

Archie kept talking through the door, “Finn, Rae’s gone. Chloe’s downstairs panicked. She said Rae broke up with you and disappeared last night.”

Rae rolled her head into Finn’s bicep. “Bloody hell, I thought you’d be asleep when I came over last night. It never occurred to me I wouldn’t go back. She must have freaked when I wasn’t in my room this morning.”

Finn looked over his shoulder towards the door. “Arch, tell Chloe it’s ok.” 

Archie opened Finn’s door. “I can’t, she’s flipping out…” His eyes widened and mouth dropped open when he saw Rae under Finn.

“GET OUT, MATE!!” Finn reached down, pulling the sheet up to make sure it covered both of them. 

Rae looked around Finn’s arm. Archie averted his eyes, turning around. She buried her face back into his bicep by her head and mumbled, “Jesus…”

She heard Archie laughing, “I’ll tell Chloe you took care of Rae last night.” Then the door closed. 

Rae looked back up as Finn turned his head to her. “That’s twice now Archie interrupted us in the morning, remind me to repay him for it.” 

Rae heard Chloe talking loudly downstairs. “I’d probably better let Chloe know things are sorted out with us. When she saw me before we talked again, I was a mess.”

Finn narrowed his eyes. “Ok, I’ll let you leave on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“Come to Stamford with me.”

_Instead of me going home?_ “What?”

“You’re supposed to go back to Lincolnshire on Monday, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then leave on Sunday with me, come to Stamford and meet my dad. We’ll get my stuff for London and I’ll go to Linsolnshire with you a few days after. We can meet each other’s families and then head to London together. Deal?”

_No fucking way. He’ll for sure bail the minute he meets my mum._ “Um, Finn…”

“What?”

“Agreeing to deal with me being crazy is one thing. My mother is on a whole different level, then there’s my stepdad and my sister.”

“Everybody’s got stuff, Rae. Just wait until you meet my dad, he’s a trip.” 

Rae reached up, brushing fringe across Finn’s forehead.  _I just go with this, right? This is a good step. Has to be._  “You sure?”

“Positive.” 

“Alright then, we’ll leave together. I’ll let Chloe know.” 

Finn’s grin widened and lips parted. “You know, you were wrong before. We’re not in the middle, we’re at the beginning.” 

_Fucking hell…the beginning._ “I know that now.” Rae pulled Finn towards her into a kiss before quickly pushing him off. “Bollocks, I’ll never leave if we start that again. Close your eyes, not ready to get dressed in front of you yet.” Finn groaned and rolled onto his back, covering his eyes with a hand and playfully parting his index and middle finger to watch her. Rae narrowed her eyes playfully and mockingly impersonated him, “Stop staring at me, it freaks me out.”

Finn laughed, closing his fingers. “I’m not staring at ya.”

Rae quickly dressed, turning around to kiss him goodbye before leaving. “See you at the party tonight.”

She hurried down the stairs, finding Chloe and Archie standing by the front door.  Chloe turned. “Thank God! You bloody gave me a heart attack this morning! I woke up and you were gone. When I went to bed, you were crying. I mean, what is that to do to your friend?”

“You’re right, Chloe. I’m sorry. I came to drop something off for Finn last night, I didn’t think he’d be up. Sorry. Come on, we need to get cleaned up and Archie’s family needs to get ready for the party.” She spied delivery trucks on the street and could hear Archie’s parents in the kitchen. Turning to him, Rae offered an apologetic face. “Sorry, Arch. For, you know…” She tilted her head upstairs.

“Rae, don’t worry. I figure we’ll have plenty more awkward moments in London since Finn and I share a suite.” He wrapped his arms around Rae, squeezing her tightly.

She hugged him back. “Meeting you on the train was one of the best moments of my life.” 

“Never forget that.” He shifted his weight backwards, looking at her. “You two, go home and get ready for the party. We have a lot to do around here. I need to put Finn to work, if he isn’t worn out already.” 

The girls left Archie’s house, heading back to Chloe’s. Rae turned to her friend. “Want to go by May Cot for a tea before we head home? I’d like to see Ms. Dewhurst one more time before leaving.” 

Chloe shrugged. “Well, we have Monday morning before the train.”

“Oh, actually…um, I think I might leave a day early.” Rae quickly glanced at Chloe.

“Why would you do that?”

“Well, Finn asked me to meet his dad in Stamford and then he wants to go home with me to Lincolnshire before we move to London.”

“ _WE?_ That was fucking fast, did you set a wedding date?”

Rae hit Chloe on the arm. “It’s not like that! I mean, he just wants us to know more about each other’s lives.”

“So, things worked out between you two?”

“Yeah.” 

“And you told him about  _everything_?”

“I did. I really did.” 

"And did he whack it in ya after?"

"Chloe!"

Rae smiled as Chloe linked their arms. “About fucking time, now let’s go get some tea and you need to tell me all about it.” 

The two friends giggled. Rae shook her head, blushing. “Alright then, I’ll start from when I told him to read my diary.”  

****

Finn bounded down the stairs, his boots making the wood creak. He found Archie in the garden, standing on top of a ladder hanging lights. “So, what’s to be done for the party tonight?”

Archie turned, looking over his shoulder. “Was starting to wonder if you’d ever make it down. Thought maybe Rae had sexed you into a coma.”

Finn put his hands on the bottom of the ladder, steading it for Archie. “Come off it.”

“Not done hanging the lights yet.”

“That’s not what I meant, you knobhead.” 

“I know that. God, she  _must_  have worn you out last night if you can’t follow a joke.” 

Finn shrugged. “My mind is just somewhere else.”

“Yeah, where is that?”

A smile crept across Finn’s lips and he looked off to the side. Archie’s mouth fell open and he backed down the ladder. Finn moved to the side as Archie’s left foot hit the ground and he turned around, hitting Finn on the arm. “Now you have to tell me. I haven’t seen  _that_  smile since we were kids!”

“No, it’s nothing. I’m just really happy about things with Rae.”

“Yeah? So does this mean I’ll be having more embarrassing moments walking in on you two at uni?” 

“Absolutely not. We’re coming up with a system - if my door is closed, you don’t come in at all, ever, no matter what you hear.” 

“God, you’re so moody. Seriously, things are good with you and Rae?”

“Mate, yeah. Really good. We talked it out last night and I said things to her I didn’t think I’d ever say to a girl.” Finn quickly glanced at Archie. “I love her.” 

“Wow. That’s…um…wow.” Archie shook his head, a soft laugh escaping his throat.

Finn pushed him. “Shut up!”

“No, I think it’s great, really. I just never thought you’d meet someone you would admit to feeling that way about. I’m happy for you two.”

“You’re happy?”

“Fucking delirious, mate.” Archie patted Finn on the shoulder. “Enough of that though, I don’t want to spend all day getting ready for this party. Think we can focus for an hour or two to get it done?”

“Come on then. Let’s have the list your mom made.”

Finn and Archie spent the next few hours hanging lights in the garden, moving furniture out of the den, rolling back the rug to make a dance floor, and helping unload deliveries. When Archie’s mom finally told them they were finished, the two quickly headed to their rooms before she could change her mind. 

Finn closed his door, sighing heavily before crashing onto his bed. Turning his head to he left, he spied Rae’s diary on the nightstand where he set it down when they came upstairs together. He studied the cover for a moment, then stood up. He crossed the room, picking up a pen from his desk. Returning to the diary, he sat down on his bed and opened it to the page with Rae’s writing. Reading her entries again, he traced the lettering with his fingers. Finn flipped the page, spending a few minutes writing on the one behind it before setting the diary and pen down. He lay back on his bed, rolling over into the pillow Rae had slept on and inhaled.  _Lavender. I’ll get to wake up to that smell on my sheets._  He closed his eyes, falling asleep within a few moments. 

****

Rae and Chloe returned to Archie’s house at half-past eight that night. As they approached, Rae heard Etta James crooning from the living room stereo. The sun low enough, the soft glow of the lights hung in the garden cast a dreamy filter over the side of the house. Rae was reminded of how perfect everything seemed her first night in Croyde walking home from The Thatch.  _This place is perfect. I know that now._ Entering the house, Rae saw all the furniture moved from the den. People danced, while others congregated in different areas talking and laughing. Archie’s parents sat in arm chairs against a wall in the midst of a conversation with neighbors. Rae waved to them, smiling broadly as Archie’s mom returned the gesture. 

Chloe pulled Rae’s hand, urging her towards the kitchen. “Drinks first, then we’ll find the boys. God, I hate adult parties. So boring.”

In the kitchen, they found an assortment of wines. Picking up bottles and examining the labels, Rae scrunched her brow. “This is fancy, Chloe. How do you know which one to try?”

“We don’t. You either just pick one or grab a lager. At least, that’s how I manage it when my parents throw parties for their friends.”

Hands circled around Rae’s waist and she smelled traces of tobacco. She turned to see Finn, with the lopsided smile she had grown to love.  _I will never get tired of your face._

“Heyya, girl.” He kissed her. 

Chloe reached over, nudging the two apart. “Enough with that! This is our last night all together and I won’t spend it watching you two make out. You’ve got plenty of time for that at uni by the sound of how things went last night!”

Archie entered the kitchen with Izzy and Chop. “Finally found these two! Oh hey, Chloe and Rae are here! It’s about bloody time. So here’s the plan, we’re going to sneak a load of lager up to my room and get away from all these adults. That way, if my parents come looking for us we’ll be around but we won’t have to mingle with their friends. It’s our last night in Croyde,  better as just the six of us.” 

A short time later, the friends reconvened in Archie’s room, piling full bottles of lager on the floor. They sat around, recalling memories of the summer  and laughing. Rae stayed quiet, observing all the details of the scene. Smiling, she looked over every one of her friends. _Thank you. You all helped me and don’t even know it._ Chloe laughed loudly, throwing her head back and falling sideways into Izzy’s lap.  _Maybe we helped each other._

Finn leaned toward her. “Why so quiet?”

“Just happy.”

“Just happy, huh?”

“Really happy.” She tilted her head, resting it on his shoulder. “Pretty much the happiest I’ve ever been.” 

Finn reached up and across Rae’s face, tucking hair behind her ear. With this other hand, he found hers on the floor and entwined their fingers, drawing circles with his thumb. “Same, girl.” Shivers ran up Rae’s back from the movement of Finn’s thumb. She let it extend to the crown of her head, focusing on how her nerve endings lit up with pleasure.  

Music from downstairs continued drifting into the room as the gang enjoyed their last night together, until the early morning when everyone slowly fell asleep. Chloe spread out on Archie’s bed, Izzy and Chop curled up together on the beanbag chair, while Archie piled pillows together, sleeping on the floor. Finn woke Rae up sometime after the party ended, leading her to his room. The two lay on his bed, arms wrapping around each other and falling asleep.

In the morning, Rae opened her eyes slowly. Finn softly snored beside her, lips flexing forward, punctuating his exhales. She stared at him for a few minutes.  _It worked out and I get to wake up next to him. I’m not going to even ask how it’s possible._ She rolled her head to the opposite side, checking the time.  _Six AM._ Next to the clock was her diary. She reached over, picking up the book and holding it above her face. Flipping through the pages, there was writing behind the one with her entries. She glanced back at Finn, who had stopped snoring, checking to see if he was still asleep. His eyes were closed and face unchanged. Returning her focus to the diary, she found a new entry.

_May,_

_Thank you. You know how good it felt being a kid running around in the summer, laughing with your best mate and just knowing the world couldn’t get any better? That’s how it is when I’m with you. That’s how it’s going to be with us. It’s like, I met my best guy mate Archie when we were little kids and we’ll be there for each other the rest of our lives. Then, I met my best girl mate this summer and I get to be in love with her for the rest of our lives. There are going to be times we don’t understand each other, other times when we do, times when people get why we’re together and times when they don’t. We’ll work through all of it. I want to be as happy as the kid running around in the sun with you, no matter what. We’ll hold each other and sort it out, just like we did this morning. We might not know what’s coming, but I know you won’t give up and neither will I. You’re world class._

_Your dickhead - Finn_

Rae slowly closed the diary, gently putting it back on the nightstand and turning to Finn. He was staring at her with a cheeky grin. “That’s an invasion of privacy, you know?”

_Is he serious?_ Rae smiled. “To be fair, it was my diary first.” 

Finn positioned his face closer to hers. “Mmmm, but you gave it to me. So, technically you were reading  _my_  diary.” 

_He’s got to be joking._ “Maybe it can be  _our_  diary.” 

“I like that. We’ll keep it next to our bed and we can write to each other in it. How does that sound?”

_He’s just as crazy as I am. How did I manage to find him?_ She leaned forward, touching their foreheads together. “ _Our_ bed. It sounds perfect.” 

Finn raised his head slightly, looking at the clock. “Bollocks, we’ve got to get up and finish packing before the train. Leaves at one, right?”

“Yeah.” Rae scooted down on the bed, nudging her head into Finn’s chest and pulling him tighter. “I love you, Finn.” 

Finn played with her hair. “I love you, Rae. Don’t forget, we’re at the beginning together. Nothing is changing that.” 

_Oh God, we’re really a couple. He’s talking about a future if we’re only at the beginning and what he wrote about the rest of his life._ “I know. Promise we will come back here.” 

“Of course. Izzy and Chop would hunt us down if we didn’t. Better wake everyone else to get going. Figured I can use your enormous knockers as pillows on the train to sleep later.” 

“Not funny. No.” Rae bumped her head into Finn’s chest.

“Oh, come on! Can’t your boyfriend make a joke that you  _might_  say ‘yes’ to?!”

“My boyfriend.” Rae shifted her weight backwards, looking up at him. “I really do like the sound of that.”

“Get used to it, girl.” 

“I can do that. Hey, I meant to talk to you last night. Would it be alright if Chloe left with us today? Just as far as her connection back to Lincolnshire. I don’t want to leave her alone when we were supposed to take the train together tomorrow.”

“Of course.”

“Ok, then, I’ll go get her up so we can close up her house.” Rae stood, leaning back over to Finn before leaving the room. “See you soon, yeah?”

“Archie and I’ll pick you two up at noon.” He propped himself up on an elbow, kissing her.

“See you then.” Rae pulled one of his earlobes gently. “My tits are not pillows.” 

“Maybe not to you, but I’d like to give them a go.” He gave her a sly grin before leaning in to kiss her again, gently sucking her bottom lip.

_Bloody hell. God, please let me die from him giving me a heart attack._

****

Finn spent the next few hours packing suitcases and cleaning, leaving things in his room in their original place. Looking around, he checked to make sure nothing was forgotten.  _I love it here. It’s going to be the place where my life with Rae and radio career started._  Picking the diary up from the bedside table, he slid it in the side pocket of his satchel.

Archie appeared in the doorway. “You ready? We need to get the girls.”

Finn turned. “Yeah.” He draped the satchel over his shoulder, then reached down to grab his other bags from the floor. “You’re bringing all my records to London with you, right?”  _Rae and I will have to figure out what duplicates we have. Fuck, I might have to sell some._

“Yeah, I’ll put them in the car and drive them up to London.” Archie reached over and took a bag from Finn’s hand. “I hate when summer ends.” 

“At least that’s something we all agree on, saying goodbye to Chop and Izzy this morning was fucking depressing. Come on, we’ll have time for more sappy goodbyes at the train.”

The friends headed downstairs, Finn stopping to hug Archie’s parents and exchange pleasantries about seeing each other in London. Once his bags were in the car, the two settled into the front seats. After picking up Chloe and Rae, the four sat in comfortable silence driving to the train station. Once there, they gathered everything from the car and bought tickets. Finn noticed Archie hovering awkwardly as they checked for the proper platform. “What’s wrong, mate?”

“Everyone’s leaving, just feel like I should be coming with you.”

“It’s a week, you won’t miss us the moment you get home and have some quiet. Things are so different than I ever thought they would be starting this year of uni.” He nodded towards Rae.

“But in a good way, right?”

“Better than I ever imagined.” 

Archie hugged Finn, who returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around Archie’s waist and picking him up in a tight hug. “You’re mint, I couldn’t ask for better.”

“Same here. See you in a week? If I get there before you I’ll take the bigger room.”

Finn set Archie down, playfully pushing him back. “Then I’ll have to move your stuff while you’re in a lecture.” Finn turned, loading their bags onto the train while Rae and Chloe each said goodbye to Archie. He stepped into the train car, picking a set of four empty seats. He sunk into a chair closest to the window, waving a final time to Archie.  _I couldn’t ask for better friends. God, not friends - family. Rae, Archie, Chop, Izzy and Chloe. We’re a family._

Rae followed, sitting next to him and resting her head on his shoulder. “I am done. I want to sleep for ages.”

He lifted his shoulder under her head, bouncing her head lightly. “I thought the deal was you were my pillow for this trip.”

She grabbed his arm, holding it still. “No way, you’re more comfortable than leaning against a ruddy train chair.” 

Chloe joined them, sitting across from Rae and smiling before pulling out a book. “I’m just going to say you’re cute once and then ignore you both.”

Rae playfully kicked Chloe. “Hey you! You’re stuck with us whether you like it or not.”

“Oh, don’t worry. You two are stuck with me too, not just until our transfers. Right, Rae?” Chloe’s face warmed with a smile.

Finn looked between the two friends as Rae smiled back. “Right.”

Finn rested his head against Rae’s, closing his eyes and listening to her rhythmic breathing. The train moved forward, causing them to sway slightly. Finn reached down, finding Rae’s hand and wrapping it in his. “Hold on, girl.”

Rae squeezed his hand in return. “No chance I’m letting go.”

——————————————— 

**Epilogue**

Ten years passed since Izzy met Rae at The Thatch, six years since she married Chop, five years since their first son (Arnold, Jr, ‘Arnie’) was born, three years since their second son (Conner) was born and three months since the birth of their daughter (Clementine). Regardless of where life took the gang, everyone managed to stay close over the years. Regular visits were made to each other for vacations and holidays, spending summers in Croyde together when they could, and the six made it appoint to always be present for major life events. Today was no exception. Months in the making, everyone gathered for another milestone. 

Izzy watched the chapel doors nervously.  _Where is Rae?_  

The priest cleared his throat, leaning towards her. “She’s coming?”

“Yes, absolutely. I don’t know what’s keeping her. Just a minute.” Izzy craned her neck, trying to see through the small windows in the distance. Izzy was surprised when Rae worried over her dress earlier, then darted off to the toilets without an explanation as the ceremony started.  _I hate she won’t say what’s going on, she has to know we’re all here for her._  Izzy looked at Finn, who was nervously bouncing on the balls of his feet a few steps away.  _I will never get used to seeing him in a suit, it’s just not him no matter how old he gets_. His eyes met hers, Finn pulled his mouth to the side and he raised his shoulders as if asking a question. Izzy’s eyes shot back to the chapel doors.  _Come on, Rae._  

Chop moved next to Izzy and leaned towards her ear. “Maybe someone should check on her.”

Izzy shook her head. “No, I’m sure she’s coming. Just give her another minute.”  _Seriously, this is ridiculous._ She rolled back on her heels, trying to be patient. 

The side door of the chapel discreetly opened, Rae slipping in and closing it silently. She looked at Izzy across the pews, offering an apologetic grin and briskly making her way to stand at Finn’s side, her ballet flats punctuating the stone floor with tiny clicks. She and Finn shared a smile as she took his hand and nodded. Rae looked back to Izzy, silently mouthing a single word, “Sorry.” 

Clementine squirmed in Izzy’s arms, gurgling. She straightened the baby’s long, white dress and shifted Clementine from being cradled to sitting on her hip next to Chop. Izzy glanced to the front pew, where their parents held Arnie and Conner. Archie and Chloe sat next to them, making faces at the boys and soliciting faint laughs that echoed through the sanctuary.  

The priest started, “Now that both god parents are present, are you prepared to proceed with the baptism of Clementine?”

Chop answered, “Yes.” He took a step sideways closer to Izzy, giving his index finger to the baby, her tiny fingers wrapping around it. Finn and Rae stood on the other side of the baptism bowl, beaming.  _We’re all here together. It’s been too long._ Izzy inhaled, her whole body full of happiness.  _Our family_.

After the baptism ceremony, everyone filtered from the chapel to the church yard. Arnie and Conner ran in circles, squealing as Archie chased them. Chloe stood by Izzy, her arms crossed. “God, Archie is so worried about me. I keep telling him everything is fine.” 

Izzy balanced Clementine on her hip. “Well, none of us have heard from you in a while. We know you’re busy, but at least you used to call or visit more often.” 

Chloe moved to Paris five years ago with her husband, John, a stock trader. Within a year their twin daughters, Holly and Marina, were born. Izzy and Chloe became close in their early twenties, but the past few years created distance between the friends. Husbands and children demanded more attention, limiting the time the two had available for friendships. Izzy made a point to check on Chloe regularly, encouraging her and commiserating about the perils of parenting.

Chloe rolled her eyes. “I’m here today, yeah? Wouldn’t have missed it for anything Iz.” 

“Where are John and the girls?” 

“At home. Archie and I were talking about it earlier, just didn’t make sense for either of us to fly our families for such a short trip.” She gave Izzy a tight smile.

Izzy reached over, working her hand into one of Chloe’s folded against her stomach. “We miss you. God, think about how much fun we’d have with the kids together if we all lived in the same town.” 

“So true.”

****

Chop watched his boys. “Fucking hell. I never thought anyone would trust me with a child, now Izzy and I have three. When did that bloody happen?”

Finn laughed. “Mate, we all knew you two would have kids before anyone else. You both have ‘parent’ written all over you. Well, maybe Izzy more than you.” 

“Boys were one thing, but with Clementine…” He shook his head. “I’m in trouble.” 

Finn put a hand on Chop’s shoulder. “You’re going to be great, just don’t spoil her too much.” 

Chop pointed at Izzy. “That one is the strict parent. You’d never know it looking at her, but she’s got those boys sorted and respectful. She’s tiny, but scary. I’d fuck it up if it were all left to me.” 

Rae chimed in, “You know we love you, but that’s not completely shocking, Chop.”

“You should talk! You’ve always been the daddy, more responsible than any of us. Then we all went off and had kids first. You two are still in London, living life without a care in the world!” 

Finn reached over, taking Rae’s hand and squeezing it gently.  _I swear they talk to each other without us knowing. Izzy and I never got good at that._

Archie stopped chasing the boys, striding towards Chop, Finn and Rae. “So, what’s the plan?” 

Chop watched Conner and Arnie’s faces drop as they noticed Archie’s focus shift to the adults. “Izzy’s parents are taking the kids for a few hours before dinner, figured the six of us could do a proper pint at The Thatch. It’s been too fucking long.” 

Archie moved to Aberdeen, Scotland with his partner, Brian, after graduating from uni. He took a teaching position in a local school, while Brian started a Pharmacy masters program. Two years ago, they adopted their son, Emerson. Finn and Chop organized a surprise homecoming for Emerson the day Archie and Brian finished the legal paperwork. Chop would never tell Archie, but he was as excited about their adoption of Emerson as for the birth of his own children. The full gang, along with spouses and children had been there for the surprise celebration.

Archie turned, watching the boys wrestle. “How long we hanging around here?”

“Arch, I’m always ready for a beer.”

“This is the first time I’ve been without Brian and the Emerson in months. I love them, but if I get a window to be childless I’m fucking sleeping.”

Chop pulled the sunglasses balanced on top of his head to the bridge of his nose. He wrapped an arm around Archie’s shoulders. “A-fucking-men. Let’s go so you can get to bed, old man.” He looked over his shoulder at Izzy. “The caravan is heading out!” 

****

The gang sat around a table at The Thatch, pints scattered between them and laughing. Izzy sat next to Rae, watching her knees bounce up and down as she moved her feet nervously on the floor. Finn ordered cokes for them both, telling everyone they weren’t drinking due to the return drive to London. Izzy watched the normally outspoken pair stay silent, laughing occasionally but letting everyone else lead the conversation.  _God, this is so unlike Rae. She’s the first to tell us everyone going on in their lives._ Izzy couldn’t shake the suspicion they were holding something back.  _When did we stop being outright with each other?_

Izzy leaned over to Rae. “So, what’s the deal?”

Rae turned to her with a surprised look. “What do you mean?”

“Rae, I’ve known you for ten years, I hope at this point I could pick up on when you  _want_  to say something but you aren’t letting yourself. And you not drinking because you need to get back to London is bollocks, I know how you can hold your drink.”

Rae turned back to Finn, placing her hand gently on his shoulder. Whispers were exchanged between them. The most Izzy could make out was Finn asking Rae, “Are you sure?” Rae smiled and nodded to him. He shifted, balling his hand into a fist and knocking his knuckles on the table. “Ok, you lot. We have something to say.”

Izzy watched Finn closely, holding her breath.  _They’re finally going to do it, they’re finally getting married._  Her eyes looked down, searching for Rae’s ring finger, but it was hidden under the table.  _Why didn’t I notice earlier?_  Archie, Chop and Chloe quieted down, turning their attention to Finn. Izzy took Chop’s hand next to her.  _I’m so excited, they have put this off for so long_.  _Oh God, I hope Rae picks a decent color for her bridesmaids dresses. We have to plan an unforgettable hen party for her too._

Finn looked down, then to Rae. “Do you want to say it?” Rae shook her head, pursing her lips together. “Well, there’s no big lead up other than to just say it…Rae’s pregnant.” A broad smile spread across his lips and he wrapped an arm around Rae’s waist, who smiled and leaned into him. 

A chorus of cheers and congratulations erupted from the table. Izzy’s mouth fell open.  _A BABY! What?_  She leaned over to Rae. “I’m so excited for you, this is brilliant. It’s about time you joined the rest of us! We didn’t even think you two were ready for kids.” 

Rae nodded. “We’ve been talking about it for a while, but you know I’m not going to say ‘we’re trying to get pregnant’ because that  _basically_  means we’re having loads of sex, which is just weird to tell anyone.”

Izzy laughed. “Never thought about it like that, but it’s actually a good point. Did you run off the the loo this morning because of the baby?”

“Yeah, the morning sickness has been miserable. They don’t warn you it doesn’t just happen in the morning, it’s all fucking day. Poor Finn, I don’t think he knew what we were in for. Well, neither of us did. It happened quicker than we thought.”

Chloe grabbed Rae’s hand across the table, leaning over Chop. “Babe! The three of us will have to sit down and sort out everything you need, get you registered and put together a celebration.” 

Rae shook her head. “I don’t think it’s time for all that, Chloe. I’m only a few months along.”   

Izzy chimed in, “It’ll go faster than you expect, Rae. Let us help you! Oh God, where are you going to put the baby? Your flat is  _tiny_.”

“Um, we haven’t talked about it.” She nervously shifted her eyes to Finn. 

Izzy offered Rae a reassuring smile.  _Oh_ , _love. You two have no idea what you’re in for._

****

Chop stood, moving around the table so Chloe and Izzy could talk to Rae while he and Archie congratulated Finn. He picked his chair up, dropping it loudly between Finn and Archie. “Fucking brilliant news, mate!”

Finn turned his head down. “We’re pretty chuffed.” 

“Chuffed! What is that? You’ve been living in London too long!” Chop hit him on the back and squeezed his shoulder. “Are you ready?”  _These two have no idea what’s coming._

Archie took a drink from the pint in front of him, then set the glass down. “Chop, none of us were ready for kids, but that didn’t stop you, Izzy, Chloe or me.” 

“Yeah, but he and Rae better get set for everything to change, that life in London won’t last to much longer with a baby in tow.”

Finn turned to look at the bar. “I might need a drink after all.”

Archie laughed, sliding Chloe’s full pint over to him. “Drink up, mate. There’s no turning back now.” 

_God, raising a child in London. Bloody miserable._ Chop rolled his fingers around the cool pint glass in his hand, rotating it in circles on the wood table.  _Their lives are going to turn upside down_. 

Archie kept talking, “You and Rae are going to be brilliant. Have you told your work?”

Chop looked over to Finn, who hunched his shoulders forward. “Not yet, you lot are the first we’ve told. Didn’t feel right saying anything to anyone else first. It’s all so new, still due to tell our parents.”

“We fucking need to toast!” Chop stood, raising his glass. Izzy looked up, followed by Chloe and Rae. “It’s been a monumental day. We’re finally all together again, Clementine was baptized, and these two are having a baby! Cheers to us, our friendships and the future!” 

The gang followed his lead, standing with their glasses raised. “Here, here!”

——————————————— 


End file.
